The End and Beginning…

The holidays came and went and I survived them. I even managed a smile here and there. Christmas at my parents didn’t kill me, but I didn’t last even 24 hours. Miss E was there and it made me very anxious and sick to my stomach, but we’re actually talking now. We text, but there are issues she is not willing to talk about, who knows if this will ever happen. I hope one day it will.

I’ve had a 2 day stint in the psych ward and another diagnosis added to me, borderline personality disorder. Which, when I looked at the description, I do meet 5 or more of the of them. I left without the consent of the Dr, but I went in voluntarily to get my meds straighten out because I couldn’t get an appointment until the end of the month with a regular psychiatrist.

I’ve been fighting anxiety and panic attacks since I was diagnosed with being bipolar over 8 years ago. Then, William died August 26, 2013, the rape was November 1, 2014 and they wanted to give me Vistaril, just let me go pick up some Benadryl and I can bounce off the walls all by myself. That’s what it does to me. Not calm me down. This was my original psychiatrist. I moved anyway, so I had to find a new one.

I’m so sick of Drs I could scream. I know my body better than they do. I’ve been on so many different drugs I know what works. But because it’s a benzo, they don’t want to give it to me. It’s frigin insane. I’m trying a new/old drug. It’s not fast acting, but it’s helping some. It’s called doxepin. It’s actually helping me sleep a little better at night, I just hope it doesn’t put weight on me or I’ll stop taking it.

I feel really weird lately. Like someone is watching me. Crazy I know. Go back in the hospital, right? I’m just paranoid I guess. This rape has me all out of whack. The detective said he would be in on the 7th and I could come in if I wanted and he would go over what he had so far. It’s not that I’m afraid, it’s will I be followed. Stupid I know.I probably should just go and see what he has to say and get peace of mind and be done with it.

I really feel as if my life is coming to some kind of crossroad. Good versus evil kind of thing, I feel as though evil has followed me here and I need to find the right path to lose it. If I don’t I will lose what little bit of myself is left. The person that William and Emma loved. The person they counted on for help, comfort, strength and love. I feel myself slowly drifting away.

Is this the beginning or the end…