Merry Christmas…

I used to love Christmas, but this year I don’t like it anymore. It’s just another day. I know it’s Jesus’s birthday and I’m happy that he died for our sins. But I don’t like this holiday. People are just fake. No one cares about anybody but themselves. It’s unbelievable to me the people treat each other so badly.

I’ve been trying so hard to figure out what I’m doing wrong. Why can’t I ever get it right? Why does it have to be so hard? Why does my family not support me? Why does my daughter hate me and won’t talk to me?

I was told by someone much younger than me, that I have never taken responsibility for my actions. I didn’t deserve to be a mother. I’m telling you I could have went through the internet and pull that girls hair out of her head. She doesn’t have a clue what I’ve been through. She’s never walked in my shoes. But she blames me for things she did as a child. Talk about taking responsibility for your own actions, please!!!

I don’t know what I’m going to do. I don’t know if I’m going to stay in California or I’m going to go back east. I know I’ve never dealt with any of my problems. I’ve always been told just keep on going. I wasn’t even supposed to mourn William but a week. You stand in somebody’s blood and tell me that it’ll only take you a week to get better. I drank and I drank a lot and yes I wanted to talk about it. But every time I did I was told to shut up. I just want to get better. I just want to be happy. I want my family back. But I won’t get it. Maybe one day my daughter will love me again. I hope so. I hope it’s before I die. If not then I’ll just have to live with that. Because I can’t make her do anything, I never could, I wasn’t allowed. I never had anybody that was there for me. People say it’s not all about you and I know that’s true. But they sure do think a lot about themselves and how they’re so much better than me. If that’s the way you’re supposed to be to be a good person, I don’t want to be one!

So, Merry Christmas…

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Dear Santa,,,

Oh, I thought long and hard before I began to write this. I feel that there has been enough time, although there is never really enough time. I had to learn the hard way, so it seems. Suicide, it’s debilitating. So, this time of year, fond memories start slowly creeping in…

Santa Claus, oh what a happy memory. I remember that some of the best days of my life were at Christmas and the worse days too. Even if it was not heartfelt all the time, people tried to keep it together a little better than the rest of the year. It was something in the air- the smell of red-eye gravy, homemade biscuits and coffee and it was death too. Uncle Harry died.

He was my dad’s youngest brother. He was extremely tall and apparently the blood reverses flow, at times and it didn’t start back for Uncle Harry. He worked across the street from the hospital that I was born. CPR would have saved him, but in 1967, it hadn’t been discovered.

On December 27, 1967 my baby brother was born, six months premature. The lining of the womb had a tear and he didn’t make it home to meet me. He would be 50 this year. Happy Birthday, baby Brother! I miss him and I never laid eyes on him. The months that followed were hard on my mom and dad. This is where mine and my mother’s relationship ceased to exist and we even know it. My mom, she’s tough, couldn’t show signs of weakness. I, however, could bring out the worst in her. It was definitely not the sign of a weak woman.

I remember good times at Christmas. Seems we could always count on Christmas making things “alright” again. Just give me a Sears and Roebuck catalog, oh my God I would sit for hours writing down page numbers, sizes. What Santa could get if they were out of this or that. I bet I must have had a hundred things that Santa could choose from and I just wanted one. But I would make a long list, just to make sure that I got something that I wanted. Something he didn’t have to worry about was me being picky. I wanted to make sure he had eaten his cookies and drank his milk. He had a lot of that on Christmas Eve night, you know?? I didn’t at 3, lol.

I just wanted to fill you in on the significance of Christmas. It was such a big part of my memories throughout my life. I didn’t realize it for a long time, but as I grew older and moved and moved and moved again, I would come back to the house. It wasn’t the same house, but it was their house, my parents house.

Everyone has to get up early on Christmas morning and if we didn’t spend the night there the night before, they waited on everybody to get there. That was a chore for Miss E. We ate a huge breakfast with grits, biscuits and gravy, sausage & cheese egg casserole. It wasn’t the same as when I was little, but for a little girl name Miss E, it was the beginning of her enjoyment of Santa.

How I miss those mornings, watching her open presents. One Christmas she’s hollering, “Oh Mommy, mommy I got socks!” If I could take it all back now, everything I ever did I would. But I can’t, so now I’m asking Santa to listen very carefully, because what I want for Christmas is not going to be an easy task.

I want to be forgiven, by a little angel named Miss E. I know I don’t deserve it, but I ask you with all my heart, to show her how to forgive me. So that she can go on and live, without regret. I don’t want to cause her anymore pain.

I used to sing to her until she went to sleep. She was in junior high before she wouldn’t let me do it anymore. “You Are My Sunshine”, I sang that song so many times. I’d be horse, but I did it over and over, just for her, because I loved her more than I love myself. I got lost and forgotten. Trampled on and beaten, until I couldn’t see the things around me. I gave up, not on her, but on me. She means everything to me. Some people say I was a bad mother. Maybe I was. People say that I’ve never taken accountability for my actions, never taken responsibility. They also blame me for doing things that even they knew they shouldn’t do. Because why?? Because they took responsibility and learned from their mistakes?? I on the other hand, should be a better person than that. I should not have allowed it. Maybe so. I don’t remember getting the memo on how you’re supposed to take on the weight of the world. Sure they may not get in trouble, but I didn’t even get the book on how to raise child and do it right.

No regrets. I do remember my mom telling me that I was a good mother. I was at one time. I don’t think I was that bad a mother. I did the best I knew to do at the time. They had no regard for what I wanted anyway, it was all about what she wanted and what they wanted and the hell with Kim and what she wants. She’s only the mother. The same people didn’t talk to me for 3 months after I told them I was pregnant and not married. These people were my parents.

Santa, take care of my Miss E. I always gave her the best of things. It wasn’t enough. I thought she had forgiven me, but apparently I was wrong. Give me the strength to not get mad when people say foolish things that they have no idea about. Help me to understand that I am human. That I’m not perfect and I have made a lot of mistakes. I would just like one day to be able to hold her in my arms again and love her the way I used to do when she was a child. Maybe coax her to call me sometimes, LOL. I don’t think she’s a bad person. I think she’s been misguided. I think she needs to learn forgiveness and compassion. Make the light shine on her this year. Let her know every turn every Moon every Star that falls from the sky that I’m there with her always. I will be with her even after death. I don’t want her to have to suffer and learn things over again and again like I have.

Thank you Santa. I hope I know what I’m doing now. Things have been so disorganized and bad since William died. It left me in a hell of a mess. I have nowhere to go anymore. I don’t have a purpose. But I’m trying to heal. I know people think I’m not trying at all, but I am. Also I just like to say this while I’m asking Santa, would you please give us this year.? I really feel like this year I’ll be at a point that she’ll understand me now. I think she’s grown up enough. Just open her eyes and let her see me! Because I’m not that bad person that I used to be. I’m her mommy or as she used to say, Mammy. Give her big hugs and kisses for me please and I’ll just wait patiently. I know patience is not my virtue, but I am learning to be more patient and understanding.

Thank you Santa. Thank you God. Bless everyone this year…

Dear Santa,,,

Today, I Will Have My Answers…

As it happens I have a short term memory problem. This came into play when I was asked by Bari to be her wingman Halloween 2014. William had been gone slightly over a year. I had not been OUT since then.

The sound I heard that morning? I lost 95% of the hearing in my left ear. That is for another day…anyway that noise. I’d learned the signs. The way he looked at me when he walked in the kitchen that beautiful summer morning. I didn’t give the look any concern. I was looking at him like a boss. Well, a lot more than that, he’d made to me that morning for the last time.

I cant keep on the way I have been. I need to cope with the reality and come to an understanding. Process my thoughts and find peace and acceptance in my heart. I relive every moment, every second. I was giddy and glad to be Mrs WBF. That man was our family. Mine and Miss E’s. Now, 4 years later, I hear a noise, 2500 miles from where William, a 49 year old marksman, among a hundred other things, placed a black talon bullet in the camber and execution style, between his eyes.  Since that day, I still feel dead. I believe I’m in the anger stage of grief, I think.

Twould vindicate my actions for the last four years.

I was just remembering good times. I know we had a badsomewhere, but not enough to do that. I know he is my twin flame. I hurt him in another life and then I committed suicide.because my heart and thoughts were and always will with him and him with me.

I heard a noise just now. I immediately think of Miss E.  I’m speculating on how it would have been. Miss E was almost 2 weeks into college. The noise was heaven to my ears, not really. . N Korea flying mi Jap

Dear William,,,

This is a glorious day. Perfect for boating. The breeze is coming from the northwest/east. I know you’re here to guide me. I’ve been hard to reach. I’m going back to school and deal with my life now. No one here thinks to ask or include me anymore. It’s only out of necessity that I hear from anyone. My family goes on without me. I’m not sad or mad, it’s the way it is this time around. I pray I’m worthy of what’s to come. I just don’t have much strength left. Osteoporosis has set in good and that means I’m getting old. 53 and somedays 63 and others 43 lol. I want to enjoy life again. I want to know my daughter again. I don’t know what’s to come but I know I wouldn’t have left the way you did. I wouldn’t have left without having your ok. I am mad. I’m mad at you. I’m mad at me too. I let them take our lives apart. It will not happen again. This time they will pay. KARMA. I don’t have to threaten, it’s already done. I will settle up with you when I see you. How many times must we be without each other. Have children together. Rock in our chairs until we are old and gray. Grandchildren and friends to celebrate the holidays. Not by ourselves all over again. know you’re here to guide me. I’ve been hard to reach. I’m going back to school and deal with my life now. No one here thinks to ask or include me anymore. It’s only out of necessity that I hear from anyone. My family goes on without me. I’m not sad or mad, it’s the way it is this time around. I pray I’m worthy of what’s to come. I just don’t have much strength left. Osteoporosis has set in good and that means I’m getting old. 53 and somedays 63 and others 43 lol. I want to enjoy life again. I want to know my daughter again. I don’t know what’s to come but I know I wouldn’t have left the way you did. I wouldn’t have left without having your ok. I am mad. I’m mad at you. I’m mad at me too. I let them take our lives apart. It will not happen again. This time they will pay. KARMA. I don’t have to threaten, it’s already done. I will settle up with you when I see you. How many times must we be without each other. Have children together. Rock in our chairs until we are old and gray. Grandchildren and friends to celebrate the holidays. Not by ourselves all over again.

What Now???

So what do you do when you’ve tried everything else? I’m moving AGAIN. I’ve moved 10 times, including being homeless and the 2 months in jail. Today of all days I’m doing it again. Today is the day William was buried. Our 5th wedding anniversary would be October 27th this year. Five years! And the only person I could tell everything to is gone. My Baba. He was a gentleman. He knew what to say and how to say it. He opened doors and never disrespected me. I on the other hand didn’t deserve the kindness he showed to me. He was my angel, my twin flame and when his flame went out…well let’s say it wasn’t pretty what emerged.

Just give me peace and a place to lay my head and I would smile again. I really am not as high maintenance as everyone seems to think. I get a pedicure and manicure when I need it, most of the time. My hands look terrible all callused up and rough. They take a beating, just like the rest of my body. My sciatica has been acting up, so when this pain in the left lower back came on last Friday evening, I thought fibromyalgia or sciatica.

I believe all this to be a result of an injury at 18. I fell off a waterfall at 18. Hit a rock I the way down, both heels. 16 weeks in a cast, 1 week in the hospital. Arthritis and bone spurs are there now. So count me out from the skiing, but I’ll meet you in the lobby for a hot cup of Joe.

I don’t seem to know what to do anymore. What direction to take. I forget most of the things I do and when I do them. Short term memory loss. The older I get the worse I hurt, but the more I’m expected not to say anything. No one really cares how you feel anyway. They may ask, but rarely do they wait to hear your reply. They forget I’m deaf in my left ear and constantly talk to me on that side and when I ask them to get on my right side, they won’t repeat what they’ve said. It’s very frustrating to have to be perfect. Because PERFECT I’m not.

Today is the last day son my studio with Dack. Maria was here last night too. Jen took off with Joel, her dog, again. Saying she’d be back today. I don’t think she will, but I’m hopeful anyway. I’ve been getting antsy too. I see a lot of me in her. Mom used to say ‘GO is your middle name ‘. Jen is the same way. She’ll say the dog wants to go for a walk, he’s SLEEPING, lol.

I’m trying to pack what I need and get rid of what I don’t. Not really sure where I’ll end up tomorrow. Maybe Airbnb? The sun is rising again. Another day is starting. I don’t know where it’s going to lead me.

So, What Now??