Chapter ???

Well I got it again. It’s called moving fever I think lol. No, this was unexpected, but it was a pleasant surprise.

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Am I Dreaming???

I am trying not to be negative, be supportive, try to listen carefully, not think my way is the only way! I’ve seen and done quite a bit in my life, but today I’m being tested.I barely slept last night due to NO HEAT. It was 66 in the hall, but inside my apartment it was 60. This was the start of my day. The Resident Manager brought me another blanket. Then, Katie bar the door, hot shower here I come. I thawed out.

Since July of 1964, I’ve been labeled as Grace. Everyone thinks it’s funny, but to me it’s not. I really never thought about it, but the older I got, they were right. I wasn’t graceful, beautiful nor did I have a great talent. Being held to high standards can be very stressful. I learned to adapt and always strive to do my best, in everything I did and do. Why do shitty work? Why work in a field that you hate. Especially, the medical field or customer service.

This is Friday and I’m headed to meet a friend on the trolley. The doors opened at the last stop and there was a dead man laying beside his things. May you rest in peace…

Today…

Today I went to one of several appointments. I went early believe it or not. My appointment was at 11 I got there at 9. I didn’t know what to expect I wanted to make sure I was in the right place. The girl who let me in the door was very nice. Very young and happy her whole life ahead of her. There to help me. My advocate to prepare me for trial. They also offer counseling. And today I met my angel. I didn’t realize how bad it hurt not remembering what had happened but she said that trauma was hers specialty.

She just let me talk and the words just flowed along with the tears. She said I’d suffered several traumas, possibly long before the ones that I was talking about. I have had a lot of trauma in my life but I was always taught to go on that everything would be just fine  We just pray and God will take care of us. He would never put more on us than we can bear. And I guess I can bear alot because I’ve had my fair share.

It’s no excuse for the things I’ve done but it doesn’t make who I am. I’ve always strived to do the best I can do and be the best person I can be. But it’s not good enough I’m never the person I’m supposed to be. I’m so mean and hateful I don’t even like myself. I don’t know why anybody would like me anyway. I worry about everything and I pray most of the time that I won’t wake up.

I miss my daughter so much. I miss my husband and I hate who I’ve become. I talked today and she said it was okay .I  had every reason to feel the way I did. She said it did happen you were right. So why? why did my own Family not believe me? Why have they not been there for me? Is that asking too much? Should I just grin and bear it and not say a word? Should I be ashamed about what happened? Why is it so hard for people to understand.? Do they know why I do the things I do? I don’t, not half the time. It’s not the drinking it’s not the drugs it’s not spending money, it’s not the anger it’s Why do I do these things!!

They always want to send you to rehab and always want to fix you but they don’t fix the problem I just put a Band-Aid over it but not TODAY…

Advocate…

I don’t understand coming or going half the time, but I have a lot of advocates. I don’t know why I’m not able to communicate well with people anymore. I seem to have a little patience, as if I had any to start with. Being bipolar and manic at that, and not medicated I should say, I think I’ve done pretty well not to have hurt anyting besides myself.

Tomorrow I go to see my advocate to help me get ready for trial. Hopefully they’ll be able to get me a little help that I’ve long needed. I don’t a lot of trust in this but we’ll see. My brain is just going a hundred miles an hour. I just want it to stop. I just hate myself. I don’t want to be around me. Why do I have to be this way. Why can I not find help???

I have a friend in jail because they won’t do what they’re supposed to do probation violation. I have another friend who’s in the hospital because she drinks too much I would say alcoholic but there’s a lot more to it than just that. I’m sitting here miserable doing laundry, hating everything about myself.

What is an advocate?? I have one for medical I have one for the doctors I have one for the lawyers I have one for the I have one for everything but what are they doing?? Why can’t somebody put me in the right direction without the same old crap? Why don’t they listen? Does anyone listen? If you think about it you don’t listen. No one listens. They ask you; How are you? That does anyone take the time to really listen what the other person says? I used to tell William but I was pregnant LOL. It was pretty funny when I thought he wasn’t listening he really was. Or at least he heard pregnant

I just want to be halfway normal. I want to be a positive role model and a contributor to society. I don’t want to be somebody no one likes. I understand people don’t always like you but in general you know what I mean. I hope this Advocate I’m seeing tomorrow can help me at least get on the right track. That would be a blessing.

Today hasn’t been a good day. And of course I have to get way out there. I can’t just let it go. Advocate…

Merry Christmas…

I used to love Christmas, but this year I don’t like it anymore. It’s just another day. I know it’s Jesus’s birthday and I’m happy that he died for our sins. But I don’t like this holiday. People are just fake. No one cares about anybody but themselves. It’s unbelievable to me the people treat each other so badly.

I’ve been trying so hard to figure out what I’m doing wrong. Why can’t I ever get it right? Why does it have to be so hard? Why does my family not support me? Why does my daughter hate me and won’t talk to me?

I was told by someone much younger than me, that I have never taken responsibility for my actions. I didn’t deserve to be a mother. I’m telling you I could have went through the internet and pull that girls hair out of her head. She doesn’t have a clue what I’ve been through. She’s never walked in my shoes. But she blames me for things she did as a child. Talk about taking responsibility for your own actions, please!!!

I don’t know what I’m going to do. I don’t know if I’m going to stay in California or I’m going to go back east. I know I’ve never dealt with any of my problems. I’ve always been told just keep on going. I wasn’t even supposed to mourn William but a week. You stand in somebody’s blood and tell me that it’ll only take you a week to get better. I drank and I drank a lot and yes I wanted to talk about it. But every time I did I was told to shut up. I just want to get better. I just want to be happy. I want my family back. But I won’t get it. Maybe one day my daughter will love me again. I hope so. I hope it’s before I die. If not then I’ll just have to live with that. Because I can’t make her do anything, I never could, I wasn’t allowed. I never had anybody that was there for me. People say it’s not all about you and I know that’s true. But they sure do think a lot about themselves and how they’re so much better than me. If that’s the way you’re supposed to be to be a good person, I don’t want to be one!

So, Merry Christmas…

I’m Lost,Will I Be Found???

I don’t know how people do it. I guess I’m not as refined as most. I still have’t found my way back to life. I lost William, I lost my daughter and I got lost. It wasn’t very hard to do either. No one seems to notice that my life is at rock bottom. Of course I have to say this birthday was a HELL of a lot better than last year. Last year I was in jail for 25 days after that. This year I was just alone. Friends on FB wished me well, but Miss E still didn’t call, send a card or anything. My family included. The one thing that saved the day was a message I got. My mom leading the Happy Birthday song with a couple of other people chiming in. It brought tears to my eyes. I’m not sure, but I think one was my daddy.

I’ve been told that I am a spirit in a body, not a body with a spirit. I’m not quite sure I understand what that means. Except that maybe I inhabit a body and the body doesn’t inhabit me. It’s just a shell. Not who I am. Apparently, I’ve lived many lives. One in which I was not faithful to my husband, of an arraigned marriage. The guilt that I felt from this, left me with no choice, but to commit suicide. I always did what I was told, when I was told, no questions asked. Even if it was something I didn’t want to do, I did it.

These bad things followed me into this lifetime. I don’t really understand all of this but I feel that it’s close to the truth. I’ve lived 17 lifetimes. That’s why they call me an “old soul” I guess. You ever wondered about that?

I found that there are people here that want to do harm to me. Jealousy plays such a role in how people act and the way they treat people. It’s an ugly, cruel emotion. How can people live with all the negative energy around them? They just stir the pot to keep things going. With all this new information I should be able to amend my ways and move forward with my life, knowing now that I’m here to heal and help others. I want to be a better person than I have been. Its a shame that we have to hurt ourselves or other in order to learn the lessons we need to grow.

Some people never learn. They feel more powerful when they hurt others. They enjoy seeing them suffer. They get pleasure from it, but don’t give into their petty jealousy. Truth will prevail!

I’m lost, will I found???

 

 

After Time…

Hey, it’s me again. I’m at least going a month at a time now. I’m still with my roommate or as we say, life partner. We’re not together, as far as a sexual relationship. I find myself, at times, forgetting that part, lol. He’s true and true. 

We have been working on a new business. We’re trying to advertise his creations by imprinted on buttons, stickers or shirts. We are planning to pitch this very soon. I feel we will be able to get a start up loan. Just starting to apply, so I’ll get back to you on that.

Thanksgiving and Christmas were just another day. We decorated our little room the best we could. It was a pleasant reminder of the holidays. Still, Miss E never called, never text and didn’t send a thing. I don’t know why I would expect her to do anything else. Should I? My mom sent a few things haphazardly. But it’s the thought and I believe her heart was in the right place, I hope it was. I do have gifts for all of them. I’m  mailing them this week, late. But last year I sent nothing.

I made it through the holidays and then came January 15th. You probably think what so special about that day Cica. Well, it’s my William’s birthday. He died at 49. He never experienced his 50’s.  We never had the big 50th Birthday parties. We had planned everything down to the tee. This year was his 53rd birthday. I made a live presentation on FB to honor him. He would be very proud of me.  I now actually ride all public transportation that’s offered, including  Lyft and Uber or I just walk.

Walking is what I try to xdo. Ms K and I walked to dinner one night and I passed out standing up, twice by the table. Then on a trolley trip with my LP-lol, I took a dive off the two steps in the trolley. All air until I hit the floor. I slid, bouncing my head twice on the metal floor. It maked me weak, body aching, couldn’t walk home. I wasn’t even a third of the way there. By then, I realized I should probably go to the ER. I didn’t make it there though. I felt fine otherwise. But now  I’m going to be going to physical therapy. It’s been a couple of months since my swan dive-three ER trips and one Drs appointment. Tomorrow will be the assessment appointment. I’ll keep you posted.

 I’m finally ready to file my insurance claims on the 2 break-ins on the storage building, while I was incarcerated. Things that can’t be replaced is what I’m so upset about, but the way my life has been traveling since I moved to CA, I put nothing to chance. I’m learning patience, to be humble, watch my tone and especially my expressions. All of this is relevant to my life now. Everything happens After Time…

REALLY Living Without Him…

It’s been quite sometime since I’ve been here. It’s been a hell of ride and not all good. I’ve had most of my belongings, including William’s and mine wedding rings. All the photographs, baby books, teeth and hair from E growing up. Even her graduation pictures I had framed. I’ve even been arrested and I spent 49 DAYS in jail. I’m talking from murderers to gang members from the Cripps and Bloods .

I lost a lot of respect for my family. At least my dad made sure my mom sent money for coffee and things. E still hasn’t talked or gotten in touch with me. It’s been almost two years. There is nothing I can do about it though, she’s 21 now and a grown woman. While I was in jail, my mom told me they had already done enough for me in my lifetime and they didn’t want me coming back home. At least not now. I was devastated. I couldn’t believe it, but I had to accept it and now I’m trying to forgive them.

No one calls me or checks on me except my friend Steph. She also wrote a letter to the judge, on my behalf, for my final sentence. I believe it made a huge difference in my sentence. I was charged with two felonies and one misdemeanor.  The judge reduced my sentence to a misdemeanor and the low end of probation. I was blessed that day. This has been an experience that I would have never thought would happen to me. I had gotten caught up in a bad relationship and let this person manipulate me.

The afternoon, after court, I was released. I put the same clothes on and they gave me flip-flops to wear because I came in with no shoes on my feet. I had kicked one-off when they arrested me and they said with my attitude I could go without. I learned that you don’t fuck around with authorities, especially when incarcerated. They let you know real quick that you are nobody and remind you are in jail. Like you forgot. WTF…WE were under lockdown sometimes 24 hours, maybe more. My one salvation was we had an enclosed patio and we were allowed to walk to lunch and dinner. Some units weren’t allowed. Of course all our privileges were under the discretion of the Deputies.

As I walked out of my place of residence, I had never felt so free. The air even smelled different. I walked over 2 miles to the trolley station, with my brown grocery bags. I went into CVS and bought makeup, sunglasses and a backpack. With the jail being in this town, everyone knew what I was and where I had been. A criminal. They had given me an all day pass for Trolley. As the Trolley pulled away I finally could breathe. I had been freed.

Events after this have changed me forever. The guy I went to jailook with had been stringing me along and basically used me.  He led me to believe we were going to finally have a long-term relationship. Even had me looking for places to live. Needless to say we are not a COUPLE anymore. That wasn’t the kicker, all my belongings in storage had been stolen while I was away. Nobody gave a shit. I was told, YOU HAD TOO MUCH ANYWAY.

I’ve since been in and out of hotels, one was my regular place. I call it The Crazy 8, lol. On my 3rd SRO now. That’s Single Room Occupancy. They charge if you have an overnight guest. They tell you when visitors have to leave at night and some say only one visitor allowed at a time. It’s a lot different from anywhere I’ve been before.It seems to be working out for now.

I have a male roommate and he is tall, dark and handsome. Even better for my self-esteem, he’s 12 years younger  than him. Some days it’s as if we are 100 miles apart, but then I’ll catch him looking at me, like a look I used to see. Of course I’m snapped back in reality. We both agree that we are not in a relationship and either/or can do what they want when they want it. This man is gifted. Off the charts brilliant. Music, drawings, graphics  and the list could go on. He will find a younger, not so wrinkled woman, lol. He tells me I’m just a “mature” woman. I say he’s sweet, even charming and chivalry has not died, just as he said to me the night we met. This is REALLY Living Without Him…

In Three Days…

It will be three days until the morning of William’s suicide. Suicide has been a hard thing for me to grasp for the past two years. I’ve made so many stories up in my head I really don’t know what I believe anymore. 

I’ve found a gentleman who makes me feel like a woman and friend. He’s very straight forward and harsh at moments, but I think that I’ve known him before. You know, when I made the decision to come back to right my wrongs. It’s a struggle at moments, but I like him a lot. Maybe it’s love. It’s not the same. I can’t change this man to be what I had. 

We’re trying to get a place together and tonight we’re in Carlsbad, CA, on the way back from Oceanside. We had the most wonderful dinner. We were walking towards town and these lights caught my eyes. It was a winery Restuarant, PAEO. It was the first really nice dinner we’ve had since we met. 

The boat will be my new home. Live aboard status, as they say. I’ll have a HOME, again. It’s taken 2 years to be able to let myself try to love again. It’s very hard for me to think he’s really gone. These next days are going to be a blur. My family, Miss E have no memory of what’s gone through my mind. They thought they knew me, but I don’t even know myself. In the next three days…

This Time…

I find myself alone again, maybe the first time since I moved to California. This month is very emotional for me. This is August. The 12th was Miss E’s bday, the 16th my daddy’s. Then the dreaded 26th. That day all over again. My new beau seems to understand at moments. I believe he just gives up. He’s a person of words. The hit to the bone, but that’s not really him. He’s been through things that are so unbelievable that they have to be true. I just feel as if I’m paying for it sometimes. I “see” him. Not who he thinks he has to be.  Sometimes I can’t even look a certain way, it’s like he’s trying to run me off.

He was supposed to be going fishing tonight, but idk something happened and it’s going to be tomorrow night. I’m sorta glad he didn’t go,it meant he would hopefully come back to me. I’m selfish that way I guess. I also wish he had gone. He needed to be away from me as much as I needed to be alone. I haven’t written in so long. It’s my therapy, so why do I not take care of myself?

I’m so upset with Miss E, I could send her to the moon. She didn’t answer my text or my phone calls for her bday. I finally called and sang “Happy Birthday” and left it on her voicemail. Still, no answer. Not even FUCK YOU! I guess I really am the selfish, cold-hearted, bitch that everyone thinks I am. I really don’t care anymore. I just want to be ME. Whoever that is now. Some moments I feel as though I know who I am and what I want out of life. Other times I feel that no one understands me and I’m at the end of my rope.

The closer it gets to the “two” year anniversary mark I get more emotional. I guess in a way I feel that I’m not being faithful. In other ways, I forget, then there are days I want to crawl under a rock and hide from everyone and forget what’s happened. It works sometimes, even if just for a moment. But then the dreaded truth comes back to my head and I remember the last moments of “our” life together. The waking up with my remarkable husband, holding me and making love to me. Me, rolling over to ask what he wanted for breakfast and then off to make the coffee. I can’t remember if he even drank a sip. The last time I saw his living being, before it all ended and I lost my world. I found out how the world really is and what people think of me and who is also there for me, in a time that I need them. I’ve found that’s not too many people.

People forget. People don’t want to hear what you NEED to talk about. They use all your insecurities against you and hate you because they believe you to be a victim. I have been a victim, but I’m not using it as an excuse to like or hate me. I am who I am. I don’t try to be anything I’m not. I’ve had people tell me, “just be yourself”. The problem with that is I’m always myself. Maybe to afraid sometimes to say what I’m really thinking, but always me. This time…