It will be three days until the morning of William’s suicide. Suicide has been a hard thing for me to grasp for the past two years. I’ve made so many stories up in my head I really don’t know what I believe anymore.
I’ve found a gentleman who makes me feel like a woman and friend. He’s very straight forward and harsh at moments, but I think that I’ve known him before. You know, when I made the decision to come back to right my wrongs. It’s a struggle at moments, but I like him a lot. Maybe it’s love. It’s not the same. I can’t change this man to be what I had.
We’re trying to get a place together and tonight we’re in Carlsbad, CA, on the way back from Oceanside. We had the most wonderful dinner. We were walking towards town and these lights caught my eyes. It was a winery Restuarant, PAEO. It was the first really nice dinner we’ve had since we met.
The boat will be my new home. Live aboard status, as they say. I’ll have a HOME, again. It’s taken 2 years to be able to let myself try to love again. It’s very hard for me to think he’s really gone. These next days are going to be a blur. My family, Miss E have no memory of what’s gone through my mind. They thought they knew me, but I don’t even know myself. In the next three days…
I find myself alone again, maybe the first time since I moved to California. This month is very emotional for me. This is August. The 12th was Miss E’s bday, the 16th my daddy’s. Then the dreaded 26th. That day all over again. My new beau seems to understand at moments. I believe he just gives up. He’s a person of words. The hit to the bone, but that’s not really him. He’s been through things that are so unbelievable that they have to be true. I just feel as if I’m paying for it sometimes. I “see” him. Not who he thinks he has to be. Sometimes I can’t even look a certain way, it’s like he’s trying to run me off.
He was supposed to be going fishing tonight, but idk something happened and it’s going to be tomorrow night. I’m sorta glad he didn’t go,it meant he would hopefully come back to me. I’m selfish that way I guess. I also wish he had gone. He needed to be away from me as much as I needed to be alone. I haven’t written in so long. It’s my therapy, so why do I not take care of myself?
I’m so upset with Miss E, I could send her to the moon. She didn’t answer my text or my phone calls for her bday. I finally called and sang “Happy Birthday” and left it on her voicemail. Still, no answer. Not even FUCK YOU! I guess I really am the selfish, cold-hearted, bitch that everyone thinks I am. I really don’t care anymore. I just want to be ME. Whoever that is now. Some moments I feel as though I know who I am and what I want out of life. Other times I feel that no one understands me and I’m at the end of my rope.
The closer it gets to the “two” year anniversary mark I get more emotional. I guess in a way I feel that I’m not being faithful. In other ways, I forget, then there are days I want to crawl under a rock and hide from everyone and forget what’s happened. It works sometimes, even if just for a moment. But then the dreaded truth comes back to my head and I remember the last moments of “our” life together. The waking up with my remarkable husband, holding me and making love to me. Me, rolling over to ask what he wanted for breakfast and then off to make the coffee. I can’t remember if he even drank a sip. The last time I saw his living being, before it all ended and I lost my world. I found out how the world really is and what people think of me and who is also there for me, in a time that I need them. I’ve found that’s not too many people.
People forget. People don’t want to hear what you NEED to talk about. They use all your insecurities against you and hate you because they believe you to be a victim. I have been a victim, but I’m not using it as an excuse to like or hate me. I am who I am. I don’t try to be anything I’m not. I’ve had people tell me, “just be yourself”. The problem with that is I’m always myself. Maybe to afraid sometimes to say what I’m really thinking, but always me. This time…
Well, this will be the sixth move since William died in our house, in our bed, where I found him. Now I’m a nomad, searching for answers that I may or may not find. Yeah, Bob and I got into it, again. He’d been drinking. I tried to get out of the conversation, but it didn’t work to good.
Then later around 9 I go to bed, even turn the tv off. I hear him very loudly, calling my name. I thought I was dreaming. He was bent out of shape because the neighbor was playing opera too loud. LMAO. I wanted to choke him, but I didn’t think I had the strength and I’d left my gun back in NC because he’s a convicted felon. I know you got a hundred questions now, but it had to do with kids and it was in the 80’s and blah, blah…anyway this has nothing to do with that. But I’m tired of his smart ass remarks about William and putting me down and changing what he thinks my duties and such for my discounted rent, which he says he pays me for. I’ve never seen the green.
Then he says I can’t watch his dog while he’s gone out of town because he thinks I’ll kill her. Comes back last night and ask if I was going to keep her. I told him NO.
He thinks I live in the past, well if what’s happened since William died is any indication of the future, I’ll continue to stay exactly where I am. At least I know William loved and adored me, faults and all. So, off we’ll go on the sixth move…
I now often think I truly am going crazy or at least that what I’ve heard people call me. I don’t care anymore. Today is one of my numbers, the 26th. Not my favorite number, it’s the day that William shot himself after he opened the text I had sent him. It said- I love you too BABA!
Today I see faces in mind, reminding me of how happy I used to be. I wonder if I could even find half.I’m not saying that we never had argument, we worked together, lived together, what do you think, lol. But we LOVED each other, it was magic. I don’t know how to explain.
This sounds, it all the planes and motorcycles sometimes startled me. Not all of them, it a certain tone. It’s a certain pitch. Not one I’ll ever forget. I cry every time I hear Eric Clapton play, our last concert. All the different sounds that play around in my head. Numbers, faces, sounds…
My brother finally made in around 8 pm Saturday night. I got to see him a couple of hours. He was actually here to see a lady from Vietnam he had been introduced to several years ago. She lives here in San Diego, but my brother in living in Vietnam, getting ready to move to Hong Kong. Talk about long distance relationship. So all day Sunday she had the whole day planned. She’s lived here about 20 years. He finally gets back to the hotel at 8:45 pm.
Bob and I are waiting, have been since 8:15 pm. I thought my older brother might want to meet my male roommate. My brother barely said hello. He talked a little to Bob, but only slightly. Bob made a comment about it this morning, he said you looked happy to see your brother. Your brother didn’t look happy to see you. I always thought my family felt this way about me, but I have been validated. I can’t believe this…
Today has been very surreal. A friend I thought I made is actually not a friend, just someone to let me know I’m fucking up again. I was told not to trust anyone and I should have known better. These words were not given lightly, but firmly. Not to intimidate, but to help guide me. For me to trust my intuition. Not to numb myself the way I have been.
I may not be able to remember a lot of things, but I’m starting to remember things that William told me at different times in our relationship. The one thing I do know is that our time is not over. We are together forever. This time was not long enough. I forget somedays and it makes for very bad days. I know this time, my new beginning, is supposed to be special and it’s anything but that. I can turn that around. Next month, May, starts the new beginning. Watching my money, my drinking, no extra spending, NO extra spending. Saving for September when I’ll be going back to NC to get the rest of my things and then back to San Diego. We’re going to take 3 weeks. It’s going to be the same couple that went to school with William and I.
I have to rethink my ways. Pay attention to how I speak to people and make sure I don’t embarrass myself. William always said, What’s going to happen to you when I’m not there to take care of you? Well, we knew…
I was walking down one the streets to the ocean. They all have little shops, with all kinds of different motifs. This was a book, crystal, tarot, sage kind of store. They had a reader and I’d stopped another day, but didn’t stay. Later I walked by and I had to stop. She says I holding William here, that this was my new beginning, by my birthday in July.
Now, I don’t know that I believe all that. But I think she had a few things right. It is my new beginning, that’s already started. William is where he needs to be. It’s funny how you long to hear their voice, their laugh. Maybe singing off key. William, I miss you as much today, as I did the day you died. The only difference is I’m numb. So, very numb. I don’t sleep without you. I look like shit. I lost our house.We won’t even talk about your family or mine.
If you see the picture I’ve chosen as the feature photo. We had just moved into our house and I don’t know about you girls, but that is a damn fine looking man. I don’t know maybe I’m prejudice. I guess I just really needed to talk about him today. William-my best friend, lover, confidant, partner
It’s clearer now…