Merry Christmas…

I used to love Christmas, but this year I don’t like it anymore. It’s just another day. I know it’s Jesus’s birthday and I’m happy that he died for our sins. But I don’t like this holiday. People are just fake. No one cares about anybody but themselves. It’s unbelievable to me the people treat each other so badly.

I’ve been trying so hard to figure out what I’m doing wrong. Why can’t I ever get it right? Why does it have to be so hard? Why does my family not support me? Why does my daughter hate me and won’t talk to me?

I was told by someone much younger than me, that I have never taken responsibility for my actions. I didn’t deserve to be a mother. I’m telling you I could have went through the internet and pull that girls hair out of her head. She doesn’t have a clue what I’ve been through. She’s never walked in my shoes. But she blames me for things she did as a child. Talk about taking responsibility for your own actions, please!!!

I don’t know what I’m going to do. I don’t know if I’m going to stay in California or I’m going to go back east. I know I’ve never dealt with any of my problems. I’ve always been told just keep on going. I wasn’t even supposed to mourn William but a week. You stand in somebody’s blood and tell me that it’ll only take you a week to get better. I drank and I drank a lot and yes I wanted to talk about it. But every time I did I was told to shut up. I just want to get better. I just want to be happy. I want my family back. But I won’t get it. Maybe one day my daughter will love me again. I hope so. I hope it’s before I die. If not then I’ll just have to live with that. Because I can’t make her do anything, I never could, I wasn’t allowed. I never had anybody that was there for me. People say it’s not all about you and I know that’s true. But they sure do think a lot about themselves and how they’re so much better than me. If that’s the way you’re supposed to be to be a good person, I don’t want to be one!

So, Merry Christmas…

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Dear Santa,,,

Oh, I thought long and hard before I began to write this. I feel that there has been enough time, although there is never really enough time. I had to learn the hard way, so it seems. Suicide, it’s debilitating. So, this time of year, fond memories start slowly creeping in…

Santa Claus, oh what a happy memory. I remember that some of the best days of my life were at Christmas and the worse days too. Even if it was not heartfelt all the time, people tried to keep it together a little better than the rest of the year. It was something in the air- the smell of red-eye gravy, homemade biscuits and coffee and it was death too. Uncle Harry died.

He was my dad’s youngest brother. He was extremely tall and apparently the blood reverses flow, at times and it didn’t start back for Uncle Harry. He worked across the street from the hospital that I was born. CPR would have saved him, but in 1967, it hadn’t been discovered.

On December 27, 1967 my baby brother was born, six months premature. The lining of the womb had a tear and he didn’t make it home to meet me. He would be 50 this year. Happy Birthday, baby Brother! I miss him and I never laid eyes on him. The months that followed were hard on my mom and dad. This is where mine and my mother’s relationship ceased to exist and we even know it. My mom, she’s tough, couldn’t show signs of weakness. I, however, could bring out the worst in her. It was definitely not the sign of a weak woman.

I remember good times at Christmas. Seems we could always count on Christmas making things “alright” again. Just give me a Sears and Roebuck catalog, oh my God I would sit for hours writing down page numbers, sizes. What Santa could get if they were out of this or that. I bet I must have had a hundred things that Santa could choose from and I just wanted one. But I would make a long list, just to make sure that I got something that I wanted. Something he didn’t have to worry about was me being picky. I wanted to make sure he had eaten his cookies and drank his milk. He had a lot of that on Christmas Eve night, you know?? I didn’t at 3, lol.

I just wanted to fill you in on the significance of Christmas. It was such a big part of my memories throughout my life. I didn’t realize it for a long time, but as I grew older and moved and moved and moved again, I would come back to the house. It wasn’t the same house, but it was their house, my parents house.

Everyone has to get up early on Christmas morning and if we didn’t spend the night there the night before, they waited on everybody to get there. That was a chore for Miss E. We ate a huge breakfast with grits, biscuits and gravy, sausage & cheese egg casserole. It wasn’t the same as when I was little, but for a little girl name Miss E, it was the beginning of her enjoyment of Santa.

How I miss those mornings, watching her open presents. One Christmas she’s hollering, “Oh Mommy, mommy I got socks!” If I could take it all back now, everything I ever did I would. But I can’t, so now I’m asking Santa to listen very carefully, because what I want for Christmas is not going to be an easy task.

I want to be forgiven, by a little angel named Miss E. I know I don’t deserve it, but I ask you with all my heart, to show her how to forgive me. So that she can go on and live, without regret. I don’t want to cause her anymore pain.

I used to sing to her until she went to sleep. She was in junior high before she wouldn’t let me do it anymore. “You Are My Sunshine”, I sang that song so many times. I’d be horse, but I did it over and over, just for her, because I loved her more than I love myself. I got lost and forgotten. Trampled on and beaten, until I couldn’t see the things around me. I gave up, not on her, but on me. She means everything to me. Some people say I was a bad mother. Maybe I was. People say that I’ve never taken accountability for my actions, never taken responsibility. They also blame me for doing things that even they knew they shouldn’t do. Because why?? Because they took responsibility and learned from their mistakes?? I on the other hand, should be a better person than that. I should not have allowed it. Maybe so. I don’t remember getting the memo on how you’re supposed to take on the weight of the world. Sure they may not get in trouble, but I didn’t even get the book on how to raise child and do it right.

No regrets. I do remember my mom telling me that I was a good mother. I was at one time. I don’t think I was that bad a mother. I did the best I knew to do at the time. They had no regard for what I wanted anyway, it was all about what she wanted and what they wanted and the hell with Kim and what she wants. She’s only the mother. The same people didn’t talk to me for 3 months after I told them I was pregnant and not married. These people were my parents.

Santa, take care of my Miss E. I always gave her the best of things. It wasn’t enough. I thought she had forgiven me, but apparently I was wrong. Give me the strength to not get mad when people say foolish things that they have no idea about. Help me to understand that I am human. That I’m not perfect and I have made a lot of mistakes. I would just like one day to be able to hold her in my arms again and love her the way I used to do when she was a child. Maybe coax her to call me sometimes, LOL. I don’t think she’s a bad person. I think she’s been misguided. I think she needs to learn forgiveness and compassion. Make the light shine on her this year. Let her know every turn every Moon every Star that falls from the sky that I’m there with her always. I will be with her even after death. I don’t want her to have to suffer and learn things over again and again like I have.

Thank you Santa. I hope I know what I’m doing now. Things have been so disorganized and bad since William died. It left me in a hell of a mess. I have nowhere to go anymore. I don’t have a purpose. But I’m trying to heal. I know people think I’m not trying at all, but I am. Also I just like to say this while I’m asking Santa, would you please give us this year.? I really feel like this year I’ll be at a point that she’ll understand me now. I think she’s grown up enough. Just open her eyes and let her see me! Because I’m not that bad person that I used to be. I’m her mommy or as she used to say, Mammy. Give her big hugs and kisses for me please and I’ll just wait patiently. I know patience is not my virtue, but I am learning to be more patient and understanding.

Thank you Santa. Thank you God. Bless everyone this year…

Dear Santa,,,

Dear William,,,

This is a glorious day. Perfect for boating. The breeze is coming from the northwest/east. I know you’re here to guide me. I’ve been hard to reach. I’m going back to school and deal with my life now. No one here thinks to ask or include me anymore. It’s only out of necessity that I hear from anyone. My family goes on without me. I’m not sad or mad, it’s the way it is this time around. I pray I’m worthy of what’s to come. I just don’t have much strength left. Osteoporosis has set in good and that means I’m getting old. 53 and somedays 63 and others 43 lol. I want to enjoy life again. I want to know my daughter again. I don’t know what’s to come but I know I wouldn’t have left the way you did. I wouldn’t have left without having your ok. I am mad. I’m mad at you. I’m mad at me too. I let them take our lives apart. It will not happen again. This time they will pay. KARMA. I don’t have to threaten, it’s already done. I will settle up with you when I see you. How many times must we be without each other. Have children together. Rock in our chairs until we are old and gray. Grandchildren and friends to celebrate the holidays. Not by ourselves all over again. know you’re here to guide me. I’ve been hard to reach. I’m going back to school and deal with my life now. No one here thinks to ask or include me anymore. It’s only out of necessity that I hear from anyone. My family goes on without me. I’m not sad or mad, it’s the way it is this time around. I pray I’m worthy of what’s to come. I just don’t have much strength left. Osteoporosis has set in good and that means I’m getting old. 53 and somedays 63 and others 43 lol. I want to enjoy life again. I want to know my daughter again. I don’t know what’s to come but I know I wouldn’t have left the way you did. I wouldn’t have left without having your ok. I am mad. I’m mad at you. I’m mad at me too. I let them take our lives apart. It will not happen again. This time they will pay. KARMA. I don’t have to threaten, it’s already done. I will settle up with you when I see you. How many times must we be without each other. Have children together. Rock in our chairs until we are old and gray. Grandchildren and friends to celebrate the holidays. Not by ourselves all over again.

I’m Lost,Will I Be Found???

I don’t know how people do it. I guess I’m not as refined as most. I still have’t found my way back to life. I lost William, I lost my daughter and I got lost. It wasn’t very hard to do either. No one seems to notice that my life is at rock bottom. Of course I have to say this birthday was a HELL of a lot better than last year. Last year I was in jail for 25 days after that. This year I was just alone. Friends on FB wished me well, but Miss E still didn’t call, send a card or anything. My family included. The one thing that saved the day was a message I got. My mom leading the Happy Birthday song with a couple of other people chiming in. It brought tears to my eyes. I’m not sure, but I think one was my daddy.

I’ve been told that I am a spirit in a body, not a body with a spirit. I’m not quite sure I understand what that means. Except that maybe I inhabit a body and the body doesn’t inhabit me. It’s just a shell. Not who I am. Apparently, I’ve lived many lives. One in which I was not faithful to my husband, of an arraigned marriage. The guilt that I felt from this, left me with no choice, but to commit suicide. I always did what I was told, when I was told, no questions asked. Even if it was something I didn’t want to do, I did it.

These bad things followed me into this lifetime. I don’t really understand all of this but I feel that it’s close to the truth. I’ve lived 17 lifetimes. That’s why they call me an “old soul” I guess. You ever wondered about that?

I found that there are people here that want to do harm to me. Jealousy plays such a role in how people act and the way they treat people. It’s an ugly, cruel emotion. How can people live with all the negative energy around them? They just stir the pot to keep things going. With all this new information I should be able to amend my ways and move forward with my life, knowing now that I’m here to heal and help others. I want to be a better person than I have been. Its a shame that we have to hurt ourselves or other in order to learn the lessons we need to grow.

Some people never learn. They feel more powerful when they hurt others. They enjoy seeing them suffer. They get pleasure from it, but don’t give into their petty jealousy. Truth will prevail!

I’m lost, will I found???

 

 

After Time…

Hey, it’s me again. I’m at least going a month at a time now. I’m still with my roommate or as we say, life partner. We’re not together, as far as a sexual relationship. I find myself, at times, forgetting that part, lol. He’s true and true. 

We have been working on a new business. We’re trying to advertise his creations by imprinted on buttons, stickers or shirts. We are planning to pitch this very soon. I feel we will be able to get a start up loan. Just starting to apply, so I’ll get back to you on that.

Thanksgiving and Christmas were just another day. We decorated our little room the best we could. It was a pleasant reminder of the holidays. Still, Miss E never called, never text and didn’t send a thing. I don’t know why I would expect her to do anything else. Should I? My mom sent a few things haphazardly. But it’s the thought and I believe her heart was in the right place, I hope it was. I do have gifts for all of them. I’m  mailing them this week, late. But last year I sent nothing.

I made it through the holidays and then came January 15th. You probably think what so special about that day Cica. Well, it’s my William’s birthday. He died at 49. He never experienced his 50’s.  We never had the big 50th Birthday parties. We had planned everything down to the tee. This year was his 53rd birthday. I made a live presentation on FB to honor him. He would be very proud of me.  I now actually ride all public transportation that’s offered, including  Lyft and Uber or I just walk.

Walking is what I try to xdo. Ms K and I walked to dinner one night and I passed out standing up, twice by the table. Then on a trolley trip with my LP-lol, I took a dive off the two steps in the trolley. All air until I hit the floor. I slid, bouncing my head twice on the metal floor. It maked me weak, body aching, couldn’t walk home. I wasn’t even a third of the way there. By then, I realized I should probably go to the ER. I didn’t make it there though. I felt fine otherwise. But now  I’m going to be going to physical therapy. It’s been a couple of months since my swan dive-three ER trips and one Drs appointment. Tomorrow will be the assessment appointment. I’ll keep you posted.

 I’m finally ready to file my insurance claims on the 2 break-ins on the storage building, while I was incarcerated. Things that can’t be replaced is what I’m so upset about, but the way my life has been traveling since I moved to CA, I put nothing to chance. I’m learning patience, to be humble, watch my tone and especially my expressions. All of this is relevant to my life now. Everything happens After Time…