How do go on?

I took my meds and went to bed early last night. I thought I’d wake up in a better state of mind today. Instead I woke up at the other end of the bed. Was this to be my day? Upside down? It started with the puppy trying to get on my desk and crashing the candle to the floor. I cleaned the mess up, after putting her in her cage for a little time out. I always hated cages, but she didn’t need to get cut. Then I crashed my tower when I was moving the furniture. Damn, I just knew I was going to have to buy a new one. But I fixed that too.

So, I go to the pool. Nice, relaxing, a little Vitamin C, it’s closed. I go back home and a wait, go back and it’s open, except the bathroom is out of order. Ugh! I laid out for a while, talked to these sweet kids, who wanted to know where my daughter was. They had never even met me before. I explained she was in college. Now mind it they’re 3 and 5. I stayed a while, basting in the sun. Feeling like a whale. I hate the way I look now. 

Today is the 23rd. One more day and one of our days will be here. I hate myself for feeling this way. Why does everything have to be such a struggle? I have a therapist appointment tomorrow. I’ve got a ride there, but I don’t know how I’m going to get home. It’s a pretty good ways to walk. It’s on a major highway too. I’ll be so glad to get a car. That is if they’ll finance it. My credit sucks. This past year has put me under.

I don’t want to go on. I’m tired. I don’t know if I have enough fight anymore. I feel alone. Everything reminds  me of William. I mean everything. He was the one that was good with business. He kept me going. He knew my strengths and my weaknesses. God how he loved me. I still love him, always and forever. We didn’t say until death do us part. We said forever. He’s not physically here, but forever means forever. Right?

I found a Mexican restaurant online. It’s not far from the house. They just started serving camaron de cocktail. Shrimp cocktail. Margarita’s on special for $2.75. One of our favorite dinners when William was alive. We went almost every week. I can’t afford it now, but it looked so good on their website. I don’t know why I was even looking. Guess I’m tired of frozen dinners. Maybe I was just thinking of our special days.

This week, next month, next year, how do I go on? 



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