Dear Boogs;

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Am I Dreaming???

I am trying not to be negative, be supportive, try to listen carefully, not think my way is the only way! I’ve seen and done quite a bit in my life, but today I’m being tested.I barely slept last night due to NO HEAT. It was 66 in the hall, but inside my apartment it was 60. This was the start of my day. The Resident Manager brought me another blanket. Then, Katie bar the door, hot shower here I come. I thawed out.

Since July of 1964, I’ve been labeled as Grace. Everyone thinks it’s funny, but to me it’s not. I really never thought about it, but the older I got, they were right. I wasn’t graceful, beautiful nor did I have a great talent. Being held to high standards can be very stressful. I learned to adapt and always strive to do my best, in everything I did and do. Why do shitty work? Why work in a field that you hate. Especially, the medical field or customer service.

This is Friday and I’m headed to meet a friend on the trolley. The doors opened at the last stop and there was a dead man laying beside his things. May you rest in peace…

Today…

Today I went to one of several appointments. I went early believe it or not. My appointment was at 11 I got there at 9. I didn’t know what to expect I wanted to make sure I was in the right place. The girl who let me in the door was very nice. Very young and happy her whole life ahead of her. There to help me. My advocate to prepare me for trial. They also offer counseling. And today I met my angel. I didn’t realize how bad it hurt not remembering what had happened but she said that trauma was hers specialty.

She just let me talk and the words just flowed along with the tears. She said I’d suffered several traumas, possibly long before the ones that I was talking about. I have had a lot of trauma in my life but I was always taught to go on that everything would be just fine  We just pray and God will take care of us. He would never put more on us than we can bear. And I guess I can bear alot because I’ve had my fair share.

It’s no excuse for the things I’ve done but it doesn’t make who I am. I’ve always strived to do the best I can do and be the best person I can be. But it’s not good enough I’m never the person I’m supposed to be. I’m so mean and hateful I don’t even like myself. I don’t know why anybody would like me anyway. I worry about everything and I pray most of the time that I won’t wake up.

I miss my daughter so much. I miss my husband and I hate who I’ve become. I talked today and she said it was okay .I  had every reason to feel the way I did. She said it did happen you were right. So why? why did my own Family not believe me? Why have they not been there for me? Is that asking too much? Should I just grin and bear it and not say a word? Should I be ashamed about what happened? Why is it so hard for people to understand.? Do they know why I do the things I do? I don’t, not half the time. It’s not the drinking it’s not the drugs it’s not spending money, it’s not the anger it’s Why do I do these things!!

They always want to send you to rehab and always want to fix you but they don’t fix the problem I just put a Band-Aid over it but not TODAY…

Advocate…

I don’t understand coming or going half the time, but I have a lot of advocates. I don’t know why I’m not able to communicate well with people anymore. I seem to have a little patience, as if I had any to start with. Being bipolar and manic at that, and not medicated I should say, I think I’ve done pretty well not to have hurt anyting besides myself.

Tomorrow I go to see my advocate to help me get ready for trial. Hopefully they’ll be able to get me a little help that I’ve long needed. I don’t a lot of trust in this but we’ll see. My brain is just going a hundred miles an hour. I just want it to stop. I just hate myself. I don’t want to be around me. Why do I have to be this way. Why can I not find help???

I have a friend in jail because they won’t do what they’re supposed to do probation violation. I have another friend who’s in the hospital because she drinks too much I would say alcoholic but there’s a lot more to it than just that. I’m sitting here miserable doing laundry, hating everything about myself.

What is an advocate?? I have one for medical I have one for the doctors I have one for the lawyers I have one for the I have one for everything but what are they doing?? Why can’t somebody put me in the right direction without the same old crap? Why don’t they listen? Does anyone listen? If you think about it you don’t listen. No one listens. They ask you; How are you? That does anyone take the time to really listen what the other person says? I used to tell William but I was pregnant LOL. It was pretty funny when I thought he wasn’t listening he really was. Or at least he heard pregnant

I just want to be halfway normal. I want to be a positive role model and a contributor to society. I don’t want to be somebody no one likes. I understand people don’t always like you but in general you know what I mean. I hope this Advocate I’m seeing tomorrow can help me at least get on the right track. That would be a blessing.

Today hasn’t been a good day. And of course I have to get way out there. I can’t just let it go. Advocate…

Merry Christmas…

I used to love Christmas, but this year I don’t like it anymore. It’s just another day. I know it’s Jesus’s birthday and I’m happy that he died for our sins. But I don’t like this holiday. People are just fake. No one cares about anybody but themselves. It’s unbelievable to me the people treat each other so badly.

I’ve been trying so hard to figure out what I’m doing wrong. Why can’t I ever get it right? Why does it have to be so hard? Why does my family not support me? Why does my daughter hate me and won’t talk to me?

I was told by someone much younger than me, that I have never taken responsibility for my actions. I didn’t deserve to be a mother. I’m telling you I could have went through the internet and pull that girls hair out of her head. She doesn’t have a clue what I’ve been through. She’s never walked in my shoes. But she blames me for things she did as a child. Talk about taking responsibility for your own actions, please!!!

I don’t know what I’m going to do. I don’t know if I’m going to stay in California or I’m going to go back east. I know I’ve never dealt with any of my problems. I’ve always been told just keep on going. I wasn’t even supposed to mourn William but a week. You stand in somebody’s blood and tell me that it’ll only take you a week to get better. I drank and I drank a lot and yes I wanted to talk about it. But every time I did I was told to shut up. I just want to get better. I just want to be happy. I want my family back. But I won’t get it. Maybe one day my daughter will love me again. I hope so. I hope it’s before I die. If not then I’ll just have to live with that. Because I can’t make her do anything, I never could, I wasn’t allowed. I never had anybody that was there for me. People say it’s not all about you and I know that’s true. But they sure do think a lot about themselves and how they’re so much better than me. If that’s the way you’re supposed to be to be a good person, I don’t want to be one!

So, Merry Christmas…

In Three Days…

It will be three days until the morning of William’s suicide. Suicide has been a hard thing for me to grasp for the past two years. I’ve made so many stories up in my head I really don’t know what I believe anymore. 

I’ve found a gentleman who makes me feel like a woman and friend. He’s very straight forward and harsh at moments, but I think that I’ve known him before. You know, when I made the decision to come back to right my wrongs. It’s a struggle at moments, but I like him a lot. Maybe it’s love. It’s not the same. I can’t change this man to be what I had. 

We’re trying to get a place together and tonight we’re in Carlsbad, CA, on the way back from Oceanside. We had the most wonderful dinner. We were walking towards town and these lights caught my eyes. It was a winery Restuarant, PAEO. It was the first really nice dinner we’ve had since we met. 

The boat will be my new home. Live aboard status, as they say. I’ll have a HOME, again. It’s taken 2 years to be able to let myself try to love again. It’s very hard for me to think he’s really gone. These next days are going to be a blur. My family, Miss E have no memory of what’s gone through my mind. They thought they knew me, but I don’t even know myself. In the next three days…

Reminders…

I have a reminder app. I looked at it yesterday it already had a reminder…My last name is Bryant

It was already reminding me of my last name. Makes you wonder what that could mean. It could mean so many things. I speculate that it would mean that I’m strong, resourceful, intelligent, classy and down and dirty when I need to be. These are all the qualities that I admired in William. 

So, I just need to keep remembering

My last name is Bryant

I Have To Admit…

I have bronchitis, no fever, take naproxen and gave me an inhaler.  Follow the drill. Oh, don’t forget the steroid shot. I take enough pills a day, I don’t have any room for anymore. 

My problem and it was my problem, is that my roommate told me, for the second time, that he would be there for me a little. God forbid. I love these guys that say they do EVERYTHING for you. Tickles me to death. They wouldn’t know if something spectacular hit them in the head. My roomie said he’d be home by 12. At 2:30 pm he still wasn’t here. At 3 he was. He did something good. 

I’m used William. He treated me with respect, never putting me down, he never did something expecting something in return. I miss him. I’m sick and he’s not here to take care of me. Nobody else cares. Nobody else cares. It’s going to be 2 years, August 26, since he left me that morning. I honestly don’t know where I’ll be, mentally or physically. 

Men or so they call themselves just don’t have the class like they used too. Opening doors, actually being interested in what the girl has to say, caring how she feels and making sure she’s following Drs orders. 

I think all this is coming up because  I have to admit I’ve been having some weird dreams/memory’s lately. I have to admit I think it has to do with the rapist…

I Don’t Know Why…

I really need to write a blog everyday. If I don’t I can really get out there and way beyond myself. I’ve had things that I needed to talk about but I’d either forget what it was at that time, which made it useless or it wasn’t appropriate. It’s like I wait too long or things just get in the way.
I have to start alloting time everyday, each book and my blog. right now i think my blog is more important, but maybe more important, or first consideration is my GROUP. It’s a Yahoo group. I call it mine because it’s for survivors of suicide, but it can be anyones group. I can cuss, I can rant, I can say whatever I want to, about whatever I want to, this past time it’s been how William shot himself right between the eyes.
One of the members didn’t understand how I could just say that. I told them because I
understand what such a deliberate and intentional act he had committed. I don’t know why…