It will be three days until the morning of William’s suicide. Suicide has been a hard thing for me to grasp for the past two years. I’ve made so many stories up in my head I really don’t know what I believe anymore.
I’ve found a gentleman who makes me feel like a woman and friend. He’s very straight forward and harsh at moments, but I think that I’ve known him before. You know, when I made the decision to come back to right my wrongs. It’s a struggle at moments, but I like him a lot. Maybe it’s love. It’s not the same. I can’t change this man to be what I had.
We’re trying to get a place together and tonight we’re in Carlsbad, CA, on the way back from Oceanside. We had the most wonderful dinner. We were walking towards town and these lights caught my eyes. It was a winery Restuarant, PAEO. It was the first really nice dinner we’ve had since we met.
The boat will be my new home. Live aboard status, as they say. I’ll have a HOME, again. It’s taken 2 years to be able to let myself try to love again. It’s very hard for me to think he’s really gone. These next days are going to be a blur. My family, Miss E have no memory of what’s gone through my mind. They thought they knew me, but I don’t even know myself. In the next three days…
I have a reminder app. I looked at it yesterday it already had a reminder…My last name is Bryant
It was already reminding me of my last name. Makes you wonder what that could mean. It could mean so many things. I speculate that it would mean that I’m strong, resourceful, intelligent, classy and down and dirty when I need to be. These are all the qualities that I admired in William.
So, I just need to keep remembering
My last name is Bryant
I have bronchitis, no fever, take naproxen and gave me an inhaler. Follow the drill. Oh, don’t forget the steroid shot. I take enough pills a day, I don’t have any room for anymore.
My problem and it was my problem, is that my roommate told me, for the second time, that he would be there for me a little. God forbid. I love these guys that say they do EVERYTHING for you. Tickles me to death. They wouldn’t know if something spectacular hit them in the head. My roomie said he’d be home by 12. At 2:30 pm he still wasn’t here. At 3 he was. He did something good.
I’m used William. He treated me with respect, never putting me down, he never did something expecting something in return. I miss him. I’m sick and he’s not here to take care of me. Nobody else cares. Nobody else cares. It’s going to be 2 years, August 26, since he left me that morning. I honestly don’t know where I’ll be, mentally or physically.
Men or so they call themselves just don’t have the class like they used too. Opening doors, actually being interested in what the girl has to say, caring how she feels and making sure she’s following Drs orders.
I think all this is coming up because I have to admit I’ve been having some weird dreams/memory’s lately. I have to admit I think it has to do with the rapist…
I really need to write a blog everyday. If I don’t I can really get out there and way beyond myself. I’ve had things that I needed to talk about but I’d either forget what it was at that time, which made it useless or it wasn’t appropriate. It’s like I wait too long or things just get in the way.
I have to start alloting time everyday, each book and my blog. right now i think my blog is more important, but maybe more important, or first consideration is my GROUP. It’s a Yahoo group. I call it mine because it’s for survivors of suicide, but it can be anyones group. I can cuss, I can rant, I can say whatever I want to, about whatever I want to, this past time it’s been how William shot himself right between the eyes.
One of the members didn’t understand how I could just say that. I told them because I
understand what such a deliberate and intentional act he had committed. I don’t know why…
I remember those days, it could be a weekend at a historical inn or calling in sick to the boss; oh he was the boss. He was tougher on himself. He expected 110% because that’s what he gave.
I find myself sleeping longer at times now. Still haven’t been able to go back to bed after breakfast. I miss the those mornings of breakfast in bed. How he loved it. That OMG he didn’t just smile at me smile. Sheer pleasure for me and how could I deny him when his heartfelt sincerity won me over.
He was like that. If one of us had to leave to do something and we were smoking, the other would finish the cigarette. No waste. I miss laying on the couch eating popcorn (okra). It was left over from supper. Fried okra William loved it. I had some before I left NC. Snuggling, turned in toward his chest. I can hear his heart beating now. I’d fall asleep before the show was over. He’d always act like he was mad. He knew when I did it what was going to happen and he loved it.
So, even thinking about a day in bed brings back so many good memories, but I don’t foresee ever having another one before I leave this life. I don’t know when that will be, but I can assure you it’s not happening and when I get to where I’m suppose to be, then I’ll ask for A Day In Bed for us…
Before I left NC my friend, Lisa Ann, gave me a reading as a going away present. She’d never really even given me a reading. I had mostly done Reiki (healing) sessions. She felt that was more important because of everything that has happened. She’s been helping me to see good things do happen.
So, she blocked off thirty minutes and the day finally came for my appointment. I was nervous, anxious, scared, excited and hopeful. I waited only a few minutes and she told me come on in. We sat down and she shuffled the cards and laid them a certain way. Then she closed her eyes and started telling me things that he said.
So, “he” is William. She said he was there immediately. I believe I’ve told you the story before so I won’t bore you, but he made sure I had a list of things I needed to be reminded of for the trip. Which being the crazy person that I am, I need reminding. Of course we talked back and forth about other things he wanted me to know and then it was over. Then Lisa Ann and I were talking and out of the blue she says she really can see me doing something with pottery.
I talk to Bob, my new roommate, there’s a place in San Diego, at my new place that does classes and it’s within walking distance. So, yesterday I go. I meet Caroline the owner. She asks me if I want to paint and I pick out a jewelry box with a crescent moon and stars. My hand is still cramping. Good old fibromyalgia. Anyway, I said to Carolina my friend Lisa Ann said she could see me doing pottery. I didn’t think anything of it. Then I said to her my husband told me when I was ready, to start a new beginning. She said, who told you that? Now I told her he died, but I never said when or how.
She knew. She never pried or ask a lot questions, except she did hit a nerve when she talked about her 19 year old. So, I did tell her mine didn’t speak to me. It was very a very calming outing and I will go back, it was meant to be…
OMG it’s been a hell of a ride since last Sunday. I drove from Calabash, NC to Kodak, TN and met mine and William’s old school friends and I was escorted to Kingman, AZ. My car did amazing, Me and my girlfriend caught up on say 40 years lol. It seemed William had brought us all together again. It was beautiful. They were my tour guides along the way. I was a sponge taking everything in like a small child. We finally arrived at the last stop in Kingman, AZ. I was nervous. I was on my own.
As I got in the car this past Friday to drive into CA, I felt like I had been there before. It was a Motel 6 in Kingman, AZ. Driving down 40 W towards AZ 95 I was talking to my mom. She really does seem happy for me. No word about Miss E, so I guess I should just stop thinking about it.
I finally get to my “straight shot”. I8 compares to no other road, it’s a drivers dream. William must have loved it, but I’m sure I didn’t do it justice, it was still awesome!! I had tears in my eyes when I got to the bottom. I had been at 4000 feet.
I left at 5:30am and arrived at 12:10pm. My roommate is nice and my room is gorgeous. I hear parrots that have been set free here in OB as I drink my coffee. I talked about everything with Lisa on the way out and it really helped so I can start my new beginning…