I’m Lost,Will I Be Found???

I don’t know how people do it. I guess I’m not as refined as most. I still have’t found my way back to life. I lost William, I lost my daughter and I got lost. It wasn’t very hard to do either. No one seems to notice that my life is at rock bottom. Of course I have to say this birthday was a HELL of a lot better than last year. Last year I was in jail for 25 days after that. This year I was just alone. Friends on FB wished me well, but Miss E still didn’t call, send a card or anything. My family included. The one thing that saved the day was a message I got. My mom leading the Happy Birthday song with a couple of other people chiming in. It brought tears to my eyes. I’m not sure, but I think one was my daddy.

I’ve been told that I am a spirit in a body, not a body with a spirit. I’m not quite sure I understand what that means. Except that maybe I inhabit a body and the body doesn’t inhabit me. It’s just a shell. Not who I am. Apparently, I’ve lived many lives. One in which I was not faithful to my husband, of an arraigned marriage. The guilt that I felt from this, left me with no choice, but to commit suicide. I always did what I was told, when I was told, no questions asked. Even if it was something I didn’t want to do, I did it.

These bad things followed me into this lifetime. I don’t really understand all of this but I feel that it’s close to the truth. I’ve lived 17 lifetimes. That’s why they call me an “old soul” I guess. You ever wondered about that?

I found that there are people here that want to do harm to me. Jealousy plays such a role in how people act and the way they treat people. It’s an ugly, cruel emotion. How can people live with all the negative energy around them? They just stir the pot to keep things going. With all this new information I should be able to amend my ways and move forward with my life, knowing now that I’m here to heal and help others. I want to be a better person than I have been. Its a shame that we have to hurt ourselves or other in order to learn the lessons we need to grow.

Some people never learn. They feel more powerful when they hurt others. They enjoy seeing them suffer. They get pleasure from it, but don’t give into their petty jealousy. Truth will prevail!

I’m lost, will I found???

 

 

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REALLY Living Without Him…

It’s been quite sometime since I’ve been here. It’s been a hell of ride and not all good. I’ve had most of my belongings, including William’s and mine wedding rings. All the photographs, baby books, teeth and hair from E growing up. Even her graduation pictures I had framed. I’ve even been arrested and I spent 49 DAYS in jail. I’m talking from murderers to gang members from the Cripps and Bloods .

I lost a lot of respect for my family. At least my dad made sure my mom sent money for coffee and things. E still hasn’t talked or gotten in touch with me. It’s been almost two years. There is nothing I can do about it though, she’s 21 now and a grown woman. While I was in jail, my mom told me they had already done enough for me in my lifetime and they didn’t want me coming back home. At least not now. I was devastated. I couldn’t believe it, but I had to accept it and now I’m trying to forgive them.

No one calls me or checks on me except my friend Steph. She also wrote a letter to the judge, on my behalf, for my final sentence. I believe it made a huge difference in my sentence. I was charged with two felonies and one misdemeanor.  The judge reduced my sentence to a misdemeanor and the low end of probation. I was blessed that day. This has been an experience that I would have never thought would happen to me. I had gotten caught up in a bad relationship and let this person manipulate me.

The afternoon, after court, I was released. I put the same clothes on and they gave me flip-flops to wear because I came in with no shoes on my feet. I had kicked one-off when they arrested me and they said with my attitude I could go without. I learned that you don’t fuck around with authorities, especially when incarcerated. They let you know real quick that you are nobody and remind you are in jail. Like you forgot. WTF…WE were under lockdown sometimes 24 hours, maybe more. My one salvation was we had an enclosed patio and we were allowed to walk to lunch and dinner. Some units weren’t allowed. Of course all our privileges were under the discretion of the Deputies.

As I walked out of my place of residence, I had never felt so free. The air even smelled different. I walked over 2 miles to the trolley station, with my brown grocery bags. I went into CVS and bought makeup, sunglasses and a backpack. With the jail being in this town, everyone knew what I was and where I had been. A criminal. They had given me an all day pass for Trolley. As the Trolley pulled away I finally could breathe. I had been freed.

Events after this have changed me forever. The guy I went to jailook with had been stringing me along and basically used me.  He led me to believe we were going to finally have a long-term relationship. Even had me looking for places to live. Needless to say we are not a COUPLE anymore. That wasn’t the kicker, all my belongings in storage had been stolen while I was away. Nobody gave a shit. I was told, YOU HAD TOO MUCH ANYWAY.

I’ve since been in and out of hotels, one was my regular place. I call it The Crazy 8, lol. On my 3rd SRO now. That’s Single Room Occupancy. They charge if you have an overnight guest. They tell you when visitors have to leave at night and some say only one visitor allowed at a time. It’s a lot different from anywhere I’ve been before.It seems to be working out for now.

I have a male roommate and he is tall, dark and handsome. Even better for my self-esteem, he’s 12 years younger  than him. Some days it’s as if we are 100 miles apart, but then I’ll catch him looking at me, like a look I used to see. Of course I’m snapped back in reality. We both agree that we are not in a relationship and either/or can do what they want when they want it. This man is gifted. Off the charts brilliant. Music, drawings, graphics  and the list could go on. He will find a younger, not so wrinkled woman, lol. He tells me I’m just a “mature” woman. I say he’s sweet, even charming and chivalry has not died, just as he said to me the night we met. This is REALLY Living Without Him…