Dear Boogs;

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Mother’s Day 2018

I never really have been one for Mother’s Day. My sister and my mother really get along much better than my mother and I do. I don’t seem to be the one anybody calls anymore. I got up this morning and I had a note from my mom wishing me a happy Mother’s Day. Well, not really a happy Mother’s Day, she said she was thinking about me and that she loves me. I’ve really been thinking a lot about my mother recently too. Anyway, I wrote her back, not the usual, too long of a message, that I usually do, but this:

I think of you everyday. I love you too. I know I’m not the daughter that you always wanted, but let’s take today and make it a day of mutual understanding and respect. I do understand and respect you. I wish you did me.

One day, I wish…

Well she immediately says she does and gets off and goes to church. No confrontation again. Nothing accomplished again. Nothing’s ever going to be either. I don’t understand why it’s so hard to express your feelings. You just do it! There’s no right or wrong way to do it you just fucking do it. But m never going to get my mother to do what I want her to do.  She is never going to acknowledge her wrongs until she’s ready, its not for me to do. It’s her journey. I have to remember I can’t change anyone! I keep forgetting, lol…

 

Am I Dreaming???

I am trying not to be negative, be supportive, try to listen carefully, not think my way is the only way! I’ve seen and done quite a bit in my life, but today I’m being tested.I barely slept last night due to NO HEAT. It was 66 in the hall, but inside my apartment it was 60. This was the start of my day. The Resident Manager brought me another blanket. Then, Katie bar the door, hot shower here I come. I thawed out.

Since July of 1964, I’ve been labeled as Grace. Everyone thinks it’s funny, but to me it’s not. I really never thought about it, but the older I got, they were right. I wasn’t graceful, beautiful nor did I have a great talent. Being held to high standards can be very stressful. I learned to adapt and always strive to do my best, in everything I did and do. Why do shitty work? Why work in a field that you hate. Especially, the medical field or customer service.

This is Friday and I’m headed to meet a friend on the trolley. The doors opened at the last stop and there was a dead man laying beside his things. May you rest in peace…

Today…

Today I went to one of several appointments. I went early believe it or not. My appointment was at 11 I got there at 9. I didn’t know what to expect I wanted to make sure I was in the right place. The girl who let me in the door was very nice. Very young and happy her whole life ahead of her. There to help me. My advocate to prepare me for trial. They also offer counseling. And today I met my angel. I didn’t realize how bad it hurt not remembering what had happened but she said that trauma was hers specialty.

She just let me talk and the words just flowed along with the tears. She said I’d suffered several traumas, possibly long before the ones that I was talking about. I have had a lot of trauma in my life but I was always taught to go on that everything would be just fine  We just pray and God will take care of us. He would never put more on us than we can bear. And I guess I can bear alot because I’ve had my fair share.

It’s no excuse for the things I’ve done but it doesn’t make who I am. I’ve always strived to do the best I can do and be the best person I can be. But it’s not good enough I’m never the person I’m supposed to be. I’m so mean and hateful I don’t even like myself. I don’t know why anybody would like me anyway. I worry about everything and I pray most of the time that I won’t wake up.

I miss my daughter so much. I miss my husband and I hate who I’ve become. I talked today and she said it was okay .I  had every reason to feel the way I did. She said it did happen you were right. So why? why did my own Family not believe me? Why have they not been there for me? Is that asking too much? Should I just grin and bear it and not say a word? Should I be ashamed about what happened? Why is it so hard for people to understand.? Do they know why I do the things I do? I don’t, not half the time. It’s not the drinking it’s not the drugs it’s not spending money, it’s not the anger it’s Why do I do these things!!

They always want to send you to rehab and always want to fix you but they don’t fix the problem I just put a Band-Aid over it but not TODAY…

Advocate…

I don’t understand coming or going half the time, but I have a lot of advocates. I don’t know why I’m not able to communicate well with people anymore. I seem to have a little patience, as if I had any to start with. Being bipolar and manic at that, and not medicated I should say, I think I’ve done pretty well not to have hurt anyting besides myself.

Tomorrow I go to see my advocate to help me get ready for trial. Hopefully they’ll be able to get me a little help that I’ve long needed. I don’t a lot of trust in this but we’ll see. My brain is just going a hundred miles an hour. I just want it to stop. I just hate myself. I don’t want to be around me. Why do I have to be this way. Why can I not find help???

I have a friend in jail because they won’t do what they’re supposed to do probation violation. I have another friend who’s in the hospital because she drinks too much I would say alcoholic but there’s a lot more to it than just that. I’m sitting here miserable doing laundry, hating everything about myself.

What is an advocate?? I have one for medical I have one for the doctors I have one for the lawyers I have one for the I have one for everything but what are they doing?? Why can’t somebody put me in the right direction without the same old crap? Why don’t they listen? Does anyone listen? If you think about it you don’t listen. No one listens. They ask you; How are you? That does anyone take the time to really listen what the other person says? I used to tell William but I was pregnant LOL. It was pretty funny when I thought he wasn’t listening he really was. Or at least he heard pregnant

I just want to be halfway normal. I want to be a positive role model and a contributor to society. I don’t want to be somebody no one likes. I understand people don’t always like you but in general you know what I mean. I hope this Advocate I’m seeing tomorrow can help me at least get on the right track. That would be a blessing.

Today hasn’t been a good day. And of course I have to get way out there. I can’t just let it go. Advocate…

Merry Christmas…

I used to love Christmas, but this year I don’t like it anymore. It’s just another day. I know it’s Jesus’s birthday and I’m happy that he died for our sins. But I don’t like this holiday. People are just fake. No one cares about anybody but themselves. It’s unbelievable to me the people treat each other so badly.

I’ve been trying so hard to figure out what I’m doing wrong. Why can’t I ever get it right? Why does it have to be so hard? Why does my family not support me? Why does my daughter hate me and won’t talk to me?

I was told by someone much younger than me, that I have never taken responsibility for my actions. I didn’t deserve to be a mother. I’m telling you I could have went through the internet and pull that girls hair out of her head. She doesn’t have a clue what I’ve been through. She’s never walked in my shoes. But she blames me for things she did as a child. Talk about taking responsibility for your own actions, please!!!

I don’t know what I’m going to do. I don’t know if I’m going to stay in California or I’m going to go back east. I know I’ve never dealt with any of my problems. I’ve always been told just keep on going. I wasn’t even supposed to mourn William but a week. You stand in somebody’s blood and tell me that it’ll only take you a week to get better. I drank and I drank a lot and yes I wanted to talk about it. But every time I did I was told to shut up. I just want to get better. I just want to be happy. I want my family back. But I won’t get it. Maybe one day my daughter will love me again. I hope so. I hope it’s before I die. If not then I’ll just have to live with that. Because I can’t make her do anything, I never could, I wasn’t allowed. I never had anybody that was there for me. People say it’s not all about you and I know that’s true. But they sure do think a lot about themselves and how they’re so much better than me. If that’s the way you’re supposed to be to be a good person, I don’t want to be one!

So, Merry Christmas…

Dear William,,,

This is a glorious day. Perfect for boating. The breeze is coming from the northwest/east. I know you’re here to guide me. I’ve been hard to reach. I’m going back to school and deal with my life now. No one here thinks to ask or include me anymore. It’s only out of necessity that I hear from anyone. My family goes on without me. I’m not sad or mad, it’s the way it is this time around. I pray I’m worthy of what’s to come. I just don’t have much strength left. Osteoporosis has set in good and that means I’m getting old. 53 and somedays 63 and others 43 lol. I want to enjoy life again. I want to know my daughter again. I don’t know what’s to come but I know I wouldn’t have left the way you did. I wouldn’t have left without having your ok. I am mad. I’m mad at you. I’m mad at me too. I let them take our lives apart. It will not happen again. This time they will pay. KARMA. I don’t have to threaten, it’s already done. I will settle up with you when I see you. How many times must we be without each other. Have children together. Rock in our chairs until we are old and gray. Grandchildren and friends to celebrate the holidays. Not by ourselves all over again. know you’re here to guide me. I’ve been hard to reach. I’m going back to school and deal with my life now. No one here thinks to ask or include me anymore. It’s only out of necessity that I hear from anyone. My family goes on without me. I’m not sad or mad, it’s the way it is this time around. I pray I’m worthy of what’s to come. I just don’t have much strength left. Osteoporosis has set in good and that means I’m getting old. 53 and somedays 63 and others 43 lol. I want to enjoy life again. I want to know my daughter again. I don’t know what’s to come but I know I wouldn’t have left the way you did. I wouldn’t have left without having your ok. I am mad. I’m mad at you. I’m mad at me too. I let them take our lives apart. It will not happen again. This time they will pay. KARMA. I don’t have to threaten, it’s already done. I will settle up with you when I see you. How many times must we be without each other. Have children together. Rock in our chairs until we are old and gray. Grandchildren and friends to celebrate the holidays. Not by ourselves all over again.

What Now???

So what do you do when you’ve tried everything else? I’m moving AGAIN. I’ve moved 10 times, including being homeless and the 2 months in jail. Today of all days I’m doing it again. Today is the day William was buried. Our 5th wedding anniversary would be October 27th this year. Five years! And the only person I could tell everything to is gone. My Baba. He was a gentleman. He knew what to say and how to say it. He opened doors and never disrespected me. I on the other hand didn’t deserve the kindness he showed to me. He was my angel, my twin flame and when his flame went out…well let’s say it wasn’t pretty what emerged.

Just give me peace and a place to lay my head and I would smile again. I really am not as high maintenance as everyone seems to think. I get a pedicure and manicure when I need it, most of the time. My hands look terrible all callused up and rough. They take a beating, just like the rest of my body. My sciatica has been acting up, so when this pain in the left lower back came on last Friday evening, I thought fibromyalgia or sciatica.

I believe all this to be a result of an injury at 18. I fell off a waterfall at 18. Hit a rock I the way down, both heels. 16 weeks in a cast, 1 week in the hospital. Arthritis and bone spurs are there now. So count me out from the skiing, but I’ll meet you in the lobby for a hot cup of Joe.

I don’t seem to know what to do anymore. What direction to take. I forget most of the things I do and when I do them. Short term memory loss. The older I get the worse I hurt, but the more I’m expected not to say anything. No one really cares how you feel anyway. They may ask, but rarely do they wait to hear your reply. They forget I’m deaf in my left ear and constantly talk to me on that side and when I ask them to get on my right side, they won’t repeat what they’ve said. It’s very frustrating to have to be perfect. Because PERFECT I’m not.

Today is the last day son my studio with Dack. Maria was here last night too. Jen took off with Joel, her dog, again. Saying she’d be back today. I don’t think she will, but I’m hopeful anyway. I’ve been getting antsy too. I see a lot of me in her. Mom used to say ‘GO is your middle name ‘. Jen is the same way. She’ll say the dog wants to go for a walk, he’s SLEEPING, lol.

I’m trying to pack what I need and get rid of what I don’t. Not really sure where I’ll end up tomorrow. Maybe Airbnb? The sun is rising again. Another day is starting. I don’t know where it’s going to lead me.

So, What Now??