Today…

Today I went to one of several appointments. I went early believe it or not. My appointment was at 11 I got there at 9. I didn’t know what to expect I wanted to make sure I was in the right place. The girl who let me in the door was very nice. Very young and happy her whole life ahead of her. There to help me. My advocate to prepare me for trial. They also offer counseling. And today I met my angel. I didn’t realize how bad it hurt not remembering what had happened but she said that trauma was hers specialty.

She just let me talk and the words just flowed along with the tears. She said I’d suffered several traumas, possibly long before the ones that I was talking about. I have had a lot of trauma in my life but I was always taught to go on that everything would be just fine  We just pray and God will take care of us. He would never put more on us than we can bear. And I guess I can bear alot because I’ve had my fair share.

It’s no excuse for the things I’ve done but it doesn’t make who I am. I’ve always strived to do the best I can do and be the best person I can be. But it’s not good enough I’m never the person I’m supposed to be. I’m so mean and hateful I don’t even like myself. I don’t know why anybody would like me anyway. I worry about everything and I pray most of the time that I won’t wake up.

I miss my daughter so much. I miss my husband and I hate who I’ve become. I talked today and she said it was okay .I  had every reason to feel the way I did. She said it did happen you were right. So why? why did my own Family not believe me? Why have they not been there for me? Is that asking too much? Should I just grin and bear it and not say a word? Should I be ashamed about what happened? Why is it so hard for people to understand.? Do they know why I do the things I do? I don’t, not half the time. It’s not the drinking it’s not the drugs it’s not spending money, it’s not the anger it’s Why do I do these things!!

They always want to send you to rehab and always want to fix you but they don’t fix the problem I just put a Band-Aid over it but not TODAY…

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Advocate…

I don’t understand coming or going half the time, but I have a lot of advocates. I don’t know why I’m not able to communicate well with people anymore. I seem to have a little patience, as if I had any to start with. Being bipolar and manic at that, and not medicated I should say, I think I’ve done pretty well not to have hurt anyting besides myself.

Tomorrow I go to see my advocate to help me get ready for trial. Hopefully they’ll be able to get me a little help that I’ve long needed. I don’t a lot of trust in this but we’ll see. My brain is just going a hundred miles an hour. I just want it to stop. I just hate myself. I don’t want to be around me. Why do I have to be this way. Why can I not find help???

I have a friend in jail because they won’t do what they’re supposed to do probation violation. I have another friend who’s in the hospital because she drinks too much I would say alcoholic but there’s a lot more to it than just that. I’m sitting here miserable doing laundry, hating everything about myself.

What is an advocate?? I have one for medical I have one for the doctors I have one for the lawyers I have one for the I have one for everything but what are they doing?? Why can’t somebody put me in the right direction without the same old crap? Why don’t they listen? Does anyone listen? If you think about it you don’t listen. No one listens. They ask you; How are you? That does anyone take the time to really listen what the other person says? I used to tell William but I was pregnant LOL. It was pretty funny when I thought he wasn’t listening he really was. Or at least he heard pregnant

I just want to be halfway normal. I want to be a positive role model and a contributor to society. I don’t want to be somebody no one likes. I understand people don’t always like you but in general you know what I mean. I hope this Advocate I’m seeing tomorrow can help me at least get on the right track. That would be a blessing.

Today hasn’t been a good day. And of course I have to get way out there. I can’t just let it go. Advocate…

This Time…

I find myself alone again, maybe the first time since I moved to California. This month is very emotional for me. This is August. The 12th was Miss E’s bday, the 16th my daddy’s. Then the dreaded 26th. That day all over again. My new beau seems to understand at moments. I believe he just gives up. He’s a person of words. The hit to the bone, but that’s not really him. He’s been through things that are so unbelievable that they have to be true. I just feel as if I’m paying for it sometimes. I “see” him. Not who he thinks he has to be.  Sometimes I can’t even look a certain way, it’s like he’s trying to run me off.

He was supposed to be going fishing tonight, but idk something happened and it’s going to be tomorrow night. I’m sorta glad he didn’t go,it meant he would hopefully come back to me. I’m selfish that way I guess. I also wish he had gone. He needed to be away from me as much as I needed to be alone. I haven’t written in so long. It’s my therapy, so why do I not take care of myself?

I’m so upset with Miss E, I could send her to the moon. She didn’t answer my text or my phone calls for her bday. I finally called and sang “Happy Birthday” and left it on her voicemail. Still, no answer. Not even FUCK YOU! I guess I really am the selfish, cold-hearted, bitch that everyone thinks I am. I really don’t care anymore. I just want to be ME. Whoever that is now. Some moments I feel as though I know who I am and what I want out of life. Other times I feel that no one understands me and I’m at the end of my rope.

The closer it gets to the “two” year anniversary mark I get more emotional. I guess in a way I feel that I’m not being faithful. In other ways, I forget, then there are days I want to crawl under a rock and hide from everyone and forget what’s happened. It works sometimes, even if just for a moment. But then the dreaded truth comes back to my head and I remember the last moments of “our” life together. The waking up with my remarkable husband, holding me and making love to me. Me, rolling over to ask what he wanted for breakfast and then off to make the coffee. I can’t remember if he even drank a sip. The last time I saw his living being, before it all ended and I lost my world. I found out how the world really is and what people think of me and who is also there for me, in a time that I need them. I’ve found that’s not too many people.

People forget. People don’t want to hear what you NEED to talk about. They use all your insecurities against you and hate you because they believe you to be a victim. I have been a victim, but I’m not using it as an excuse to like or hate me. I am who I am. I don’t try to be anything I’m not. I’ve had people tell me, “just be yourself”. The problem with that is I’m always myself. Maybe to afraid sometimes to say what I’m really thinking, but always me. This time…

Gloomy Weather…

It’s been windy and cloudy, some sun. Not enough to put your suit on and layout on the beach, at least not this chick. I guess I’m just going to come straight out and tell you guys I’ve been on a date. It was ok. I didn’t die. Neither did they, lol. I’m ready to move again. I’m terrible. The next couple of months are called the gloomy months. Great! But I had rainy seasons in Asia, so there we go, lol.

Going to write in my book today, first time since I got here. I’m just now half way figuring out which way I need to go. It takes time. Southerns aren’t necessarily welcome. But it’s all good. Just gloomy weather…

Numbers, Faces, Sounds…

I now often think I truly am going crazy or at least that what I’ve heard people call me. I don’t care anymore. Today is one of my numbers, the 26th. Not my favorite number, it’s the day that William shot himself after he opened the text I had sent him. It said- I love you too BABA!

Today I see faces in mind, reminding me of how happy I used to be. I wonder if I could  even find half.I’m not saying that we never had argument, we worked together, lived together, what do you think, lol. But we LOVED each other, it was magic. I don’t know how to explain.

This sounds, it all the planes and motorcycles sometimes startled me. Not all of them, it a certain tone. It’s a certain pitch. Not one I’ll ever forget. I cry every time I hear Eric Clapton play, our last concert. All the different sounds that play around in my head. Numbers, faces, sounds…

I Knew It Would Happen…

Well, it finally happened, I made a complete ass of myself in a very nice Italian restaurant and gave the owner a few choice words. Was escorted out where I had a car waiting to pick me up. Uber is the way to go in San Diego it’s cheaper than a cab. Anyway, the owner of the Italian restaurant is also engaged or married to someone at another bar here in town, so I’m not allowed in there anymore either. So I’ve been kicked out of two places in San Diego, CA. I’ve never been kicked out of anywhere.

I have to admit though last night was about a lot of different angers I’ve had built up inside of me for a very long time. It came out in the wrong way and I probably shouldn’t have said all those things to that man. But I did. So I’ll just have to not go. I think I’ll be ok without them. But it did teach me something about myself. It taught me just how angry I am. I didn’t realize it until this morning. I made a complete idiot out of myself. What was I thinking, oh I wasn’t. I was too worried about the main objective ANGER. I’m lucky, last night could have ended differently. I knew it would happen…

Nine Days…

Well, I managed to get from the coast of NC to the coast of CA. Both in the southern parts of the states. I now live in San Diego, CA. Who would have ever believed it in January of 2012, when William walked into my life again, after not seeing him since our 20 year class reunion. But I’m here. I know it’s where I’m supposed to be, I’m procrastinating. I’m still trying to figure out exactly what it is I’m supposed to be doing. I’m thinking photography and a little pottery, I don’t know.

I’ve been taken on so many “tours” by Bob, my roommate, my head is spinning. It’s fun though. We ate lunch at Brigantine, in Del Mar, CA, which is beside the Del Mar Horse Track. They had the window open, at the hightop we sat at, and we could see the track, stand and barn. I a had picture made with this “badass” car.

My brother text me, he’s coming to San Diego in April! I can’t believe, it took me moving here to get him to come see me or text. His filopino girlfriend broke up with him. He’s only staying 3 days, I’ll take what I can get. He has severe health problems. You’d never know it. They finally came out with a cure, so that happens real soon.

I feel like sleeping. I’m so tired. Not sure about these people. Don’t trust any of them. Its only been Nine Days…

Why Do People Keep Asking???

I fixed this and changed my feature picture and meant to save it as a draft. Someone liked it as it was. Thank you.

People keep asking me why I keep wearing my wedding rings. It’s been almost 14 months. Then they’ll ask a question and say your ex husband. Well, as you all know I’m a time bomb ready to explode. So my reply is that as far as I’m concerned I’m still married to my husband.

An EX is someone you breakup with or divorced, not someone whom you were married to and they died. You’re a widow or widower. Why is it so important to people that I take off my rings? It doesn’t bother me and if or when I should ever meet anyone, if they don’t understand, then they’re not the person I’m supposed to be with anyway.

Am I happy now? No. But that’s complicated. Maybe one day. Will I ever stop loving William? Never. Will I forget every special occasion? Never. Will I forget the way he looked at me like I was the sun, moon and stars? Never. How could I? I will never love anyone the way I love him. I can’t. But maybe someday, I don’t when, I’ll have room for someone in my life.

I Forgot What It’s Like…

After William’s death, his family, his first wife, my daughter and my ex-roommate I was hanging on by my hands . Then, not only did a bastard rape me, he bit me all over my body, broke my nose in two places, gave me something to remember him by, oh yeah and then my lovely daughter calls and tells me I’m lying. So now, I’m barely hanging on by a hangnail.

I went to a Rape Crisis Center today. The Clinician seemed genuine. She seemed like she not only wanted to help me with the rape but she wanted to help me get better. I pray that’s the case. I’m tired of being this person I don’t know. She’s mean and hateful. Cusses like a sailor. I don’t know her. William wouldn’t like her. I don’t know where she came from. I know I wished she’d leave.

I’ve been writing about William and me, it’s our story. It’s about 7 pages now. I was finally able to have someone read it that was there. Someone who would know if it was the truth or not. So, today was my truth. My friend, who actually has not talked to me since William died, answered me after reading my story. She said she believed what I  wrote was the truth and now she had a very clear understanding of what happened when he died. She regretted staying away and she never thought his death was in any way my fault. She also said she prayed I kept my sanity for witnessing the whole thing. You just don’t realize or maybe you do, what it’s like to know something and believe it and to have people look at you like you’re crazy, until one day, one person says NO that’s exactly right! You might still be crazy, but maybe there’s hope.

Therapy starts Tuesday…

Right never wrong…

Today I was talking to my roommate. I finally got to see my all my test results from when I was in the hospital. I found that one test showed I had a STD. Well, I find this funny since I have been with anyone since William. So, I read up on it and it could be the rapist. But they did NOT inform me of this results. Then it said I had an infection on another result. So which is it? So we’re talking and I said that they should have told me and he said they didn’t have to. He knew he worked in a hospital before. I called bullshit. That’s when he said, “IT WAS TO MY DEMISE THAT I WAS RAPED TO BEGIN WITH”. More or less I caused it and it was all my fault. I told him to go fuck his self.

I’m still praying by the dock in the mornings. It’s so peaceful. William came to see me yesterday. It was wonderful. All afternoon we spent, he realized for the first time what had happened to me. I told him I was fine and I would be ok. He made me feel strong again. I know you think I’m crazy and I am, but spirit is with us, it’s just whether you choose to see. I don’t want to live like this anymore. I want my life back. I don’t know how right now, but I will get it back and better. I can’t let all this negative energy keep draining me.