I find myself alone again, maybe the first time since I moved to California. This month is very emotional for me. This is August. The 12th was Miss E’s bday, the 16th my daddy’s. Then the dreaded 26th. That day all over again. My new beau seems to understand at moments. I believe he just gives up. He’s a person of words. The hit to the bone, but that’s not really him. He’s been through things that are so unbelievable that they have to be true. I just feel as if I’m paying for it sometimes. I “see” him. Not who he thinks he has to be. Sometimes I can’t even look a certain way, it’s like he’s trying to run me off.
He was supposed to be going fishing tonight, but idk something happened and it’s going to be tomorrow night. I’m sorta glad he didn’t go,it meant he would hopefully come back to me. I’m selfish that way I guess. I also wish he had gone. He needed to be away from me as much as I needed to be alone. I haven’t written in so long. It’s my therapy, so why do I not take care of myself?
I’m so upset with Miss E, I could send her to the moon. She didn’t answer my text or my phone calls for her bday. I finally called and sang “Happy Birthday” and left it on her voicemail. Still, no answer. Not even FUCK YOU! I guess I really am the selfish, cold-hearted, bitch that everyone thinks I am. I really don’t care anymore. I just want to be ME. Whoever that is now. Some moments I feel as though I know who I am and what I want out of life. Other times I feel that no one understands me and I’m at the end of my rope.
The closer it gets to the “two” year anniversary mark I get more emotional. I guess in a way I feel that I’m not being faithful. In other ways, I forget, then there are days I want to crawl under a rock and hide from everyone and forget what’s happened. It works sometimes, even if just for a moment. But then the dreaded truth comes back to my head and I remember the last moments of “our” life together. The waking up with my remarkable husband, holding me and making love to me. Me, rolling over to ask what he wanted for breakfast and then off to make the coffee. I can’t remember if he even drank a sip. The last time I saw his living being, before it all ended and I lost my world. I found out how the world really is and what people think of me and who is also there for me, in a time that I need them. I’ve found that’s not too many people.
People forget. People don’t want to hear what you NEED to talk about. They use all your insecurities against you and hate you because they believe you to be a victim. I have been a victim, but I’m not using it as an excuse to like or hate me. I am who I am. I don’t try to be anything I’m not. I’ve had people tell me, “just be yourself”. The problem with that is I’m always myself. Maybe to afraid sometimes to say what I’m really thinking, but always me. This time…
It’s been windy and cloudy, some sun. Not enough to put your suit on and layout on the beach, at least not this chick. I guess I’m just going to come straight out and tell you guys I’ve been on a date. It was ok. I didn’t die. Neither did they, lol. I’m ready to move again. I’m terrible. The next couple of months are called the gloomy months. Great! But I had rainy seasons in Asia, so there we go, lol.
Going to write in my book today, first time since I got here. I’m just now half way figuring out which way I need to go. It takes time. Southerns aren’t necessarily welcome. But it’s all good. Just gloomy weather…
I now often think I truly am going crazy or at least that what I’ve heard people call me. I don’t care anymore. Today is one of my numbers, the 26th. Not my favorite number, it’s the day that William shot himself after he opened the text I had sent him. It said- I love you too BABA!
Today I see faces in mind, reminding me of how happy I used to be. I wonder if I could even find half.I’m not saying that we never had argument, we worked together, lived together, what do you think, lol. But we LOVED each other, it was magic. I don’t know how to explain.
This sounds, it all the planes and motorcycles sometimes startled me. Not all of them, it a certain tone. It’s a certain pitch. Not one I’ll ever forget. I cry every time I hear Eric Clapton play, our last concert. All the different sounds that play around in my head. Numbers, faces, sounds…
Well, it finally happened, I made a complete ass of myself in a very nice Italian restaurant and gave the owner a few choice words. Was escorted out where I had a car waiting to pick me up. Uber is the way to go in San Diego it’s cheaper than a cab. Anyway, the owner of the Italian restaurant is also engaged or married to someone at another bar here in town, so I’m not allowed in there anymore either. So I’ve been kicked out of two places in San Diego, CA. I’ve never been kicked out of anywhere.
I have to admit though last night was about a lot of different angers I’ve had built up inside of me for a very long time. It came out in the wrong way and I probably shouldn’t have said all those things to that man. But I did. So I’ll just have to not go. I think I’ll be ok without them. But it did teach me something about myself. It taught me just how angry I am. I didn’t realize it until this morning. I made a complete idiot out of myself. What was I thinking, oh I wasn’t. I was too worried about the main objective ANGER. I’m lucky, last night could have ended differently. I knew it would happen…
Well, I managed to get from the coast of NC to the coast of CA. Both in the southern parts of the states. I now live in San Diego, CA. Who would have ever believed it in January of 2012, when William walked into my life again, after not seeing him since our 20 year class reunion. But I’m here. I know it’s where I’m supposed to be, I’m procrastinating. I’m still trying to figure out exactly what it is I’m supposed to be doing. I’m thinking photography and a little pottery, I don’t know.
I’ve been taken on so many “tours” by Bob, my roommate, my head is spinning. It’s fun though. We ate lunch at Brigantine, in Del Mar, CA, which is beside the Del Mar Horse Track. They had the window open, at the hightop we sat at, and we could see the track, stand and barn. I a had picture made with this “badass” car.
My brother text me, he’s coming to San Diego in April! I can’t believe, it took me moving here to get him to come see me or text. His filopino girlfriend broke up with him. He’s only staying 3 days, I’ll take what I can get. He has severe health problems. You’d never know it. They finally came out with a cure, so that happens real soon.
I feel like sleeping. I’m so tired. Not sure about these people. Don’t trust any of them. Its only been Nine Days…
I fixed this and changed my feature picture and meant to save it as a draft. Someone liked it as it was. Thank you.
People keep asking me why I keep wearing my wedding rings. It’s been almost 14 months. Then they’ll ask a question and say your ex husband. Well, as you all know I’m a time bomb ready to explode. So my reply is that as far as I’m concerned I’m still married to my husband.
An EX is someone you breakup with or divorced, not someone whom you were married to and they died. You’re a widow or widower. Why is it so important to people that I take off my rings? It doesn’t bother me and if or when I should ever meet anyone, if they don’t understand, then they’re not the person I’m supposed to be with anyway.
Am I happy now? No. But that’s complicated. Maybe one day. Will I ever stop loving William? Never. Will I forget every special occasion? Never. Will I forget the way he looked at me like I was the sun, moon and stars? Never. How could I? I will never love anyone the way I love him. I can’t. But maybe someday, I don’t when, I’ll have room for someone in my life.
After William’s death, his family, his first wife, my daughter and my ex-roommate I was hanging on by my hands . Then, not only did a bastard rape me, he bit me all over my body, broke my nose in two places, gave me something to remember him by, oh yeah and then my lovely daughter calls and tells me I’m lying. So now, I’m barely hanging on by a hangnail.
I went to a Rape Crisis Center today. The Clinician seemed genuine. She seemed like she not only wanted to help me with the rape but she wanted to help me get better. I pray that’s the case. I’m tired of being this person I don’t know. She’s mean and hateful. Cusses like a sailor. I don’t know her. William wouldn’t like her. I don’t know where she came from. I know I wished she’d leave.
I’ve been writing about William and me, it’s our story. It’s about 7 pages now. I was finally able to have someone read it that was there. Someone who would know if it was the truth or not. So, today was my truth. My friend, who actually has not talked to me since William died, answered me after reading my story. She said she believed what I wrote was the truth and now she had a very clear understanding of what happened when he died. She regretted staying away and she never thought his death was in any way my fault. She also said she prayed I kept my sanity for witnessing the whole thing. You just don’t realize or maybe you do, what it’s like to know something and believe it and to have people look at you like you’re crazy, until one day, one person says NO that’s exactly right! You might still be crazy, but maybe there’s hope.
Therapy starts Tuesday…