I find myself alone again, maybe the first time since I moved to California. This month is very emotional for me. This is August. The 12th was Miss E’s bday, the 16th my daddy’s. Then the dreaded 26th. That day all over again. My new beau seems to understand at moments. I believe he just gives up. He’s a person of words. The hit to the bone, but that’s not really him. He’s been through things that are so unbelievable that they have to be true. I just feel as if I’m paying for it sometimes. I “see” him. Not who he thinks he has to be. Sometimes I can’t even look a certain way, it’s like he’s trying to run me off.
He was supposed to be going fishing tonight, but idk something happened and it’s going to be tomorrow night. I’m sorta glad he didn’t go,it meant he would hopefully come back to me. I’m selfish that way I guess. I also wish he had gone. He needed to be away from me as much as I needed to be alone. I haven’t written in so long. It’s my therapy, so why do I not take care of myself?
I’m so upset with Miss E, I could send her to the moon. She didn’t answer my text or my phone calls for her bday. I finally called and sang “Happy Birthday” and left it on her voicemail. Still, no answer. Not even FUCK YOU! I guess I really am the selfish, cold-hearted, bitch that everyone thinks I am. I really don’t care anymore. I just want to be ME. Whoever that is now. Some moments I feel as though I know who I am and what I want out of life. Other times I feel that no one understands me and I’m at the end of my rope.
The closer it gets to the “two” year anniversary mark I get more emotional. I guess in a way I feel that I’m not being faithful. In other ways, I forget, then there are days I want to crawl under a rock and hide from everyone and forget what’s happened. It works sometimes, even if just for a moment. But then the dreaded truth comes back to my head and I remember the last moments of “our” life together. The waking up with my remarkable husband, holding me and making love to me. Me, rolling over to ask what he wanted for breakfast and then off to make the coffee. I can’t remember if he even drank a sip. The last time I saw his living being, before it all ended and I lost my world. I found out how the world really is and what people think of me and who is also there for me, in a time that I need them. I’ve found that’s not too many people.
People forget. People don’t want to hear what you NEED to talk about. They use all your insecurities against you and hate you because they believe you to be a victim. I have been a victim, but I’m not using it as an excuse to like or hate me. I am who I am. I don’t try to be anything I’m not. I’ve had people tell me, “just be yourself”. The problem with that is I’m always myself. Maybe to afraid sometimes to say what I’m really thinking, but always me. This time…
Well, I managed to get from the coast of NC to the coast of CA. Both in the southern parts of the states. I now live in San Diego, CA. Who would have ever believed it in January of 2012, when William walked into my life again, after not seeing him since our 20 year class reunion. But I’m here. I know it’s where I’m supposed to be, I’m procrastinating. I’m still trying to figure out exactly what it is I’m supposed to be doing. I’m thinking photography and a little pottery, I don’t know.
I’ve been taken on so many “tours” by Bob, my roommate, my head is spinning. It’s fun though. We ate lunch at Brigantine, in Del Mar, CA, which is beside the Del Mar Horse Track. They had the window open, at the hightop we sat at, and we could see the track, stand and barn. I a had picture made with this “badass” car.
My brother text me, he’s coming to San Diego in April! I can’t believe, it took me moving here to get him to come see me or text. His filopino girlfriend broke up with him. He’s only staying 3 days, I’ll take what I can get. He has severe health problems. You’d never know it. They finally came out with a cure, so that happens real soon.
I feel like sleeping. I’m so tired. Not sure about these people. Don’t trust any of them. Its only been Nine Days…
Tomorrow will be 16 months since William shot himself. Tomorrow the server will go down for the business that he owned for over 30 years. These past few weeks have been very emotional for me. I’ve lost the first birthday present he ever bought me. I found the card and I can’t find the necklace. I never took it off, but I had to have a MRI and it’s gone. I cry everyday, a lot. I talk to him and I ask him what I should do about E. She still won’t answer my text or my calls. She wants nothing to do with me and I still don’t know why.
I’ve made a decision that is going to affect my life in so many ways. William said when I was ready he wanted me to have a new beginning, well I believe a new beginning is what I need. I’ve done all I can do here. There is nothing left for me to give. So, I’ve decided to move from NC and drive all the way across the country to CA. It’ll be an adventure. He told me to look for Rios and to become creative again. I used to play the piano.
I’m selling the rest of our furniture, except the two Costa Rican rocking chairs and what I call The Wooden Chair. Everything else goes. I’ve given it a lot of thought and I believe William would want it this way. I don’t want to do it, but I don’t need furniture for memories, I have all I need in my heart.
FOREVER & ALWAYS
Didn’t sleep well. Up at 3 am. Matchbox 20 that’s kinda funny. Just going through the motions today. Coach, my new roommate gets off at 4 and he’s going to take me to get get somethings and to the grocery store. He’s a pretty cool old man.
Been on the phone with my primary Dr trying to get my lithium levels checked for two weeks. They finally told yesterday that, listen it was too dangerous! WTF! You can imagine what I’m thinking. KILL! So I go pick up my script that my crazy Dr wrote and I’m trying to find another lab.
All I could find is like 30 or 40 miles away. I look my script it’s got my diagnosis on it. Bipolar disorder and intermittent explosive disorder. I was like shit. They’re afraid of me and I can’t go back. No wonder I beat my girlfriend up with a umbrella.
Anyway I called back and asked them and they were like NO not all. I asked to speak to the lab. Of course the doc the test. They made me make a friggin appointment, but I’ve got to get it done it been 2 weeks.
I had meltdown wanting to go home with William. Our home. Our little home. Our anniversary is coming up fast and I still don’t know what I’m going to do. I don’t have wifi and it’s about to drive me crazy. I can’t write in my book. It just fucking sucks.