Gloomy Weather…

It’s been windy and cloudy, some sun. Not enough to put your suit on and layout on the beach, at least not this chick. I guess I’m just going to come straight out and tell you guys I’ve been on a date. It was ok. I didn’t die. Neither did they, lol. I’m ready to move again. I’m terrible. The next couple of months are called the gloomy months. Great! But I had rainy seasons in Asia, so there we go, lol.

Going to write in my book today, first time since I got here. I’m just now half way figuring out which way I need to go. It takes time. Southerns aren’t necessarily welcome. But it’s all good. Just gloomy weather…

Numbers, Faces, Sounds…

I now often think I truly am going crazy or at least that what I’ve heard people call me. I don’t care anymore. Today is one of my numbers, the 26th. Not my favorite number, it’s the day that William shot himself after he opened the text I had sent him. It said- I love you too BABA!

Today I see faces in mind, reminding me of how happy I used to be. I wonder if I could  even find half.I’m not saying that we never had argument, we worked together, lived together, what do you think, lol. But we LOVED each other, it was magic. I don’t know how to explain.

This sounds, it all the planes and motorcycles sometimes startled me. Not all of them, it a certain tone. It’s a certain pitch. Not one I’ll ever forget. I cry every time I hear Eric Clapton play, our last concert. All the different sounds that play around in my head. Numbers, faces, sounds…

I Have To Admit…

I have bronchitis, no fever, take naproxen and gave me an inhaler.  Follow the drill. Oh, don’t forget the steroid shot. I take enough pills a day, I don’t have any room for anymore. 

My problem and it was my problem, is that my roommate told me, for the second time, that he would be there for me a little. God forbid. I love these guys that say they do EVERYTHING for you. Tickles me to death. They wouldn’t know if something spectacular hit them in the head. My roomie said he’d be home by 12. At 2:30 pm he still wasn’t here. At 3 he was. He did something good. 

I’m used William. He treated me with respect, never putting me down, he never did something expecting something in return. I miss him. I’m sick and he’s not here to take care of me. Nobody else cares. Nobody else cares. It’s going to be 2 years, August 26, since he left me that morning. I honestly don’t know where I’ll be, mentally or physically. 

Men or so they call themselves just don’t have the class like they used too. Opening doors, actually being interested in what the girl has to say, caring how she feels and making sure she’s following Drs orders. 

I think all this is coming up because  I have to admit I’ve been having some weird dreams/memory’s lately. I have to admit I think it has to do with the rapist…

I Don’t Know Why…

I really need to write a blog everyday. If I don’t I can really get out there and way beyond myself. I’ve had things that I needed to talk about but I’d either forget what it was at that time, which made it useless or it wasn’t appropriate. It’s like I wait too long or things just get in the way.
I have to start alloting time everyday, each book and my blog. right now i think my blog is more important, but maybe more important, or first consideration is my GROUP. It’s a Yahoo group. I call it mine because it’s for survivors of suicide, but it can be anyones group. I can cuss, I can rant, I can say whatever I want to, about whatever I want to, this past time it’s been how William shot himself right between the eyes.
One of the members didn’t understand how I could just say that. I told them because I
understand what such a deliberate and intentional act he had committed. I don’t know why…

I Can’t Believe This…

My brother finally made in around 8 pm Saturday night. I got to see him a couple of hours. He was actually here to see a lady from Vietnam he had been introduced to several years ago. She lives here in San Diego, but my brother in living in Vietnam, getting ready to move to Hong Kong. Talk about long distance relationship. So all day Sunday she had the whole day planned. She’s lived here about 20 years. He finally gets back to the hotel at 8:45 pm.

Bob and I are waiting, have been since 8:15 pm. I thought my older brother might want to meet my male roommate. My brother barely said hello. He talked a little to Bob, but only slightly. Bob made a comment about it this morning, he said you looked happy to see your brother. Your brother didn’t look happy to see you. I always thought my family felt this way about me, but I have been validated. I can’t believe this…

A Day In Bed for us

I remember those days, it could be a weekend at a  historical inn or calling in sick to the boss; oh he was the boss. He was tougher on himself. He expected 110% because that’s what he gave. 

I find myself sleeping longer at times now. Still haven’t been able to go back to bed after breakfast. I miss the those mornings of breakfast in bed. How he loved it. That OMG he didn’t just smile at me smile. Sheer pleasure for me and how could I deny him when his heartfelt sincerity won me over. 

He was like that. If one of us had to leave to do something and we were smoking, the other would finish the cigarette. No waste. I miss laying on the couch eating popcorn (okra). It was left over from supper. Fried okra William loved it. I had some before I left NC. Snuggling, turned in toward his chest. I can hear his heart beating now. I’d fall asleep before the show was over. He’d always act like he was mad. He knew when I did it what was going to happen and he loved it. 

So, even thinking about a day in bed brings back so many good memories, but I don’t foresee ever having another one before I leave this life. I don’t know when that will be, but I can assure you it’s not happening and when I get to where I’m suppose to be, then I’ll ask for A Day In Bed for us…

We Knew…

Today has been very surreal. A friend I thought I made is actually not a friend, just someone to let me know I’m fucking up again. I was told not to trust anyone and I should have known better. These words were not given lightly, but firmly. Not to intimidate, but to help guide me. For me to trust my intuition. Not to numb myself the way I have been.

I may not be able to remember a lot of things, but I’m starting to remember things that William told me at different times in our relationship. The one thing I do know is that our time is not over. We are together forever. This time was not long enough. I forget somedays and it makes for very bad days. I know this time, my new beginning, is supposed to be special and it’s anything but that. I can turn that around. Next month, May, starts the new beginning. Watching my money, my drinking, no extra spending, NO extra spending. Saving for September when I’ll be going back to NC to get the rest of my things and then back to San Diego. We’re going to take 3 weeks. It’s going to be the same couple that went to school with William and I.

I have to rethink my ways. Pay attention to how I speak to people and make sure I don’t embarrass  myself. William always said, What’s going to happen to you when I’m not there to take care of you? Well, we knew…