Well its just a short few hours. It will be 5 years. 5 years ago that William, my best friend, my husband took his life. That beautiful summer morning at 7:58 a.m. it was the last thing I was thinking about. We had just made love I was getting ready to cook breakfast. He was supposed to be getting ready for work. Instead he was meticulously taking everything out of his pockets and laying them piece by piece in the top drawer of my armoire. Where my jewelry was kept. His pack of cigarettes, his lighter, his wallet, his keys and receipts for the business. Then he went into the bedroom and close the door.
Do I backup? Do I pause? Where do I start the story? Where do I end this story? Will it ever be over? Will I ever be able to forgive everyone?
The family that we built came tumbling down that morning. It came down hard. There was no test no anything’s Heritage me for what happened that day. I would never want my worst enemy to go through that and my worst enemy has wished it on being thousands of times. But I’m okay with that. I have come to terms with what has gone on in this life. It doesn’t make sense every day. What people make their own choices? Whoever came up with that idea? Genius. So what does that really mean? You have to live with your choices because you make your own choice?.
Williams family made the choice to exclude me as part of the family. They chose his first wife or she chose them. It doesn’t really matter anymore because everything happens for a reason. I have gone through the things that I have to learn things I needed to learn things I wanted to learn that I didn’t learn in a past life. Apparently there’s a lot of things on other people’s plates too. I’m not the only one that had things to learn. I’ve had people be very deceitful, hurtful, rude, loud, Liars, two-faced individuals, they didn’t realize this would be noticed. The truth has a way a showing itself. In the end truth prevails.
It doesn’t matter who believes who. It doesn’t matter if no one likes anyone. It doesn’t matter at all. Did you know for the past 5 years I prayed to die? That is what I wanted to tell you. I don’t feel that way now. At times I feel like I could scream. I’m not perfect. I wonder what it would have been like if I could have kept it together. If I could have been the person that everybody wanted me to be or the person that everybody thinks I should be. Nobody would ever be able to tell me that. I love it when people say do this do that blah blah blah. They don’t know…
Suicide Eve welcome. Come on in and have a seat. It’s going to be a rocky road for the next five years so you better hold on tight don’t let go it’s going to take the ride of your life. It has been. Anything and everything has happened that could happen. People have died and died. I’ve been in solitary confinement and I’m not talking jail. I’ve lost and you’ve lost. I’ve stopped keeping count it’s not a game. It never was not for me. I tried to get in touch with several people from the past just to touch base to let him know that I still was thinking about them. But they have not changed any why is aching towards me that I can tell they have not responded back. I guess you just live and learn. Some people I thought were friends I’ve known for years from childhood I didn’t think you could ever break a child his friend but apparently you can. I thought friendship was unconditional apparently not in everybody’s book. I thought family should buy each other but not in everybody’s.
My life path now is a nonprofit organization. The name is LostNfound. One day it will be a retreat 4 people who are survivors who are lost and can’t find their way that need help figuring out where they need to go what path they need to take. People who just need help. A holistic alternative for therapy and your well-being. Helping us find better ways to cope instead of self destruct. I wish I could have found it 5 years ago. I thought I had they lied to me. It was a rehab LMAO the only thing they got right was it was on the Beach- a month in Laguna Beach and a month in Palm Springs, but it was still rehab. Only because I wanted you to be proud of me. See how huh??? Well all I can say is goodbye my love. I have to say goodbye for now. I’ve taken way too much time away from important things that need to be done. I just couldn’t see past the tears. Thank you for staying and helping me. We will see each other again…