Today…

Today I went to one of several appointments. I went early believe it or not. My appointment was at 11 I got there at 9. I didn’t know what to expect I wanted to make sure I was in the right place. The girl who let me in the door was very nice. Very young and happy her whole life ahead of her. There to help me. My advocate to prepare me for trial. They also offer counseling. And today I met my angel. I didn’t realize how bad it hurt not remembering what had happened but she said that trauma was hers specialty.

She just let me talk and the words just flowed along with the tears. She said I’d suffered several traumas, possibly long before the ones that I was talking about. I have had a lot of trauma in my life but I was always taught to go on that everything would be just fine  We just pray and God will take care of us. He would never put more on us than we can bear. And I guess I can bear alot because I’ve had my fair share.

It’s no excuse for the things I’ve done but it doesn’t make who I am. I’ve always strived to do the best I can do and be the best person I can be. But it’s not good enough I’m never the person I’m supposed to be. I’m so mean and hateful I don’t even like myself. I don’t know why anybody would like me anyway. I worry about everything and I pray most of the time that I won’t wake up.

I miss my daughter so much. I miss my husband and I hate who I’ve become. I talked today and she said it was okay .I  had every reason to feel the way I did. She said it did happen you were right. So why? why did my own Family not believe me? Why have they not been there for me? Is that asking too much? Should I just grin and bear it and not say a word? Should I be ashamed about what happened? Why is it so hard for people to understand.? Do they know why I do the things I do? I don’t, not half the time. It’s not the drinking it’s not the drugs it’s not spending money, it’s not the anger it’s Why do I do these things!!

They always want to send you to rehab and always want to fix you but they don’t fix the problem I just put a Band-Aid over it but not TODAY…

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