What Now???

So what do you do when you’ve tried everything else? I’m moving AGAIN. I’ve moved 10 times, including being homeless and the 2 months in jail. Today of all days I’m doing it again. Today is the day William was buried. Our 5th wedding anniversary would be October 27th this year. Five years! And the only person I could tell everything to is gone. My Baba. He was a gentleman. He knew what to say and how to say it. He opened doors and never disrespected me. I on the other hand didn’t deserve the kindness he showed to me. He was my angel, my twin flame and when his flame went out…well let’s say it wasn’t pretty what emerged.

Just give me peace and a place to lay my head and I would smile again. I really am not as high maintenance as everyone seems to think. I get a pedicure and manicure when I need it, most of the time. My hands look terrible all callused up and rough. They take a beating, just like the rest of my body. My sciatica has been acting up, so when this pain in the left lower back came on last Friday evening, I thought fibromyalgia or sciatica.

I believe all this to be a result of an injury at 18. I fell off a waterfall at 18. Hit a rock I the way down, both heels. 16 weeks in a cast, 1 week in the hospital. Arthritis and bone spurs are there now. So count me out from the skiing, but I’ll meet you in the lobby for a hot cup of Joe.

I don’t seem to know what to do anymore. What direction to take. I forget most of the things I do and when I do them. Short term memory loss. The older I get the worse I hurt, but the more I’m expected not to say anything. No one really cares how you feel anyway. They may ask, but rarely do they wait to hear your reply. They forget I’m deaf in my left ear and constantly talk to me on that side and when I ask them to get on my right side, they won’t repeat what they’ve said. It’s very frustrating to have to be perfect. Because PERFECT I’m not.

Today is the last day son my studio with Dack. Maria was here last night too. Jen took off with Joel, her dog, again. Saying she’d be back today. I don’t think she will, but I’m hopeful anyway. I’ve been getting antsy too. I see a lot of me in her. Mom used to say ‘GO is your middle name ‘. Jen is the same way. She’ll say the dog wants to go for a walk, he’s SLEEPING, lol.

I’m trying to pack what I need and get rid of what I don’t. Not really sure where I’ll end up tomorrow. Maybe Airbnb? The sun is rising again. Another day is starting. I don’t know where it’s going to lead me.

So, What Now??


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