A Means To An End

I’ve often thought of how it would be if William had not committed suicide. It haunts me everyday. I know his spirit is with me always, but right now I don’t feel it like I did when he first died. As you know I have a medium that I see every month. Since the rape I only do healing sessions (Reiki). She told me that my body went through a very traumatic injury and it was still healing. She said it was a lot worse than the doctors had said, but on a good note within a month or two things should back to practically normal.

What I once thought to be the reason for William’s death is not the case. So, now I’m back where I started over fourteen months ago. I know he was depressed because of the business, but I didn’t think it would lead to that. He at one time was a multi-millionaire when he was married to his second wife. He lost it all when the banks started pulling money back in the 80’s. He wanted so badly to give the things that his second wife had taken for granted. He said I appreciated things and he wanted to show me the world. We had made so many plans.

I beginning to not trust anyone. Not even whom I call friends. I don’t trust my intuition anymore. I second guess myself all the time and usually that leads the wrong decision. It’s sorta like taking a test, always go with your first instinct. I’ve made a new friend who’s husband hung himself. I feel that I can trust her because she has been through one of the same things I have and understand and listens without judgement.

My friend, that I got in a fight with and ended up in jail, has had me hook up her blu-ray, surround sound, and router for internet on her TV. I like to do that sort of thing, but she keeps saying that she didn’t know it was going to be such a hassle and how much trouble she’s had, blah, blah, blah. She hasn’t done anything, but sit on her ass and whine. If she’d let me do the whole thing instead of having to fix everybody else’s mistakes and the first router hadn’t been broken, it wouldn’t have taken that long. In saying that she bitched and bitched and bitched all afternoon Friday and of course I retaliated. A longtime friend of us both has been texting me. He wanted to know if I was ok. He really didn’t know what had happened when William died and he was going through a separation. She found out and went the fuck off. It was her old boyfriend and I wasn’t allowed to talk to him. She was already shit faced and instead of beating the crap out of her I left and went home. We haven’t spoken of the incident since.

There has to be a light at the end of this cold, dark tunnel. That way maybe I can find some peace and serenity. I need to make some changes in my life and take charge of it again without worrying what other people think. I have to be positive instead of negative and stop arguing my case and let things be what they are to other people. Who really cares in the end anyway, most people don’t. They ask you how are you and they don’t even give you time to answer. It’s just a nicety.

So, I choose to heal and work on my mind, body and soul. To try to not be so trusting, but not to be closed minded, just very cautious. To see my mom and dad more, as they are getting up in age. To let people say what they will and if I disagree, ignore them. If I see myself getting ready to exploded, I’ll remove myself from the situation. Try to be more patient with daughter, without calling her a bitch, not to her face. Let the grieving process flow, as it may, don’t try to stop it. Go to my therapist and psychiatrist and take my meds.

If I don’t do these things I will die, as I know myself. Cica will become a shell. There will be no kindness, no more anything. It will be gone. I can’t continue to live this way. William wouldn’t want me to either. Always and Forever we will be, no matter what. Even in death. I love him just as much as I did before he died and still wear the ring he put on my finger…

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