Being the Bigger Person

How many times have we been told to “be the bigger person”? I know I can’t count that high and I went to college to be a Math Major, got all the way through Calculus III, lol. So much has gone on these past 15 months. It almost seems like a dream. Sometimes when I wake up I still think I’m going to smell the cedar in my closet, that William built for me. But, it’s gone. It’s all gone. Everything we worked for is gone. Life as we knew it is gone.

Miss E loved William, she just thought I pushed him on her. Maybe I did. But on the anniversary of his death she realized just how much she loved him and it hit hard. William had wanted to adopt her and she wanted it too, but she said she was almost 18 and had that last name all her life, blah, blah, blah. Her father and I had been divorced since she was 1½ years old. But when she was a 14 or so he disappeared for 4 years. No calls, no letters, no nothing, his name in her phone was Sperm Donor.

Since then she’s been spending all this time with her dad. He’s back her life. He just got remarried. He just paid 1 month of back child support. She just spent the weekend with him. She just accused me of lying about being raped. When she was little and it would be his weekend, she would cry not to go. I NEVER said one bad word about him. I would tell her that her dad loved her and wanted to see her. Whether he paid child support or not.

I guess this really is my fault for being mentally ill. For living with my parents and relying on my family for help. This is what payback has become. I see the traits of some bipolar tendencies in Miss E. I see a lot of anger, which could be depression. I’ve taken her to the Dr. but because of my dear mother and sister and their BIG opinions/mouths she threw the pills down the toilet. Her best friend told me she could tell they were helping too. Needless to say, no longer best friends.

Feels weird to say this when it’s your daughter, but I’m being the bigger person. I’m letting go. I’m not going to bombard her with text or phone calls. I’ve cut off all communications. You have to remember she cut me off for four months after William died for what she said at first was I talked about him too much, now it’s that I wanted sympathy and that’s why I moved. So, all ties cut. Even with my mother and sister. I will stay in touch with my dad.

I am not mentally able to deal with this anymore. I don’t want sympathy. Don’t need it. Never wanted from her, ever. To be honest, that morning on November 1, 2014 when I woke up after the rape, I wish I hadn’t. Please don’t think I’m asking you to feel a certain way, just hear me out. If I hadn’t and they found me, Miss E would have gotten the life insurance and all my things and then she MAYBE would see what her mom has been going through this past year.

Stupid I know. Sick. But this has to happen. I have to let her go and she’s gone…