This Is Fucked Up!

I know my last post was a little out there. I hit the button too soon and my mind was not quite here and well that’s what you get. I’m still nodding, still taking the 100 pills, still can hardly lay on my pillows because it hurts my head. My eyes do look better, they’re not so black anymore. Can’t go outside at dark, not without one of the knives William gave me. I’m almost like a prisoner or so I feel anyway.

The detectives came out and brought “the” video the other day. You know, the one with him and me. They wanted to know if I knew him. I could have SCREAMED! NO, NO, NO, NO! I did not know this guy. He was no man, he was a fucking piece of shit, a coward! I sat there and watched what happened that night. I just wanted to jump inside that video and kill him! That’s all I wanted to do. I hate what I have let this do to me. What people say about me. Why I’ve had to defend myself. Why my own mother didn’t even come when I called her from the ER. I needed her. I still need her. But it’s just not her I guess, I always thought it was, I was wrong.

I’m not asking anyone for anything anymore. I always get excuses or some long explanation, even if they told me they would. Or then they decide, I need gas money, even though for 5 years when the lost they’re license, you bought groceries, took them EVERYWHERE, never once asked for gas money, even took them out to eat. I even helped organize their new apartment right after getting out of the hospital. I got no visit, no flowers, nothing!! No card! Not even FUCK YOU!

I got a call from the Trauma Dr today and he wants me to go to the ENT Dr for my broken nose and the Neurosurgeon for my headaches. Hopefully, I can get appts back to back next week. My anxiety is SOOO high and I’m angry, if you can’t tell.

Goodnight…