In My Mind…

It’s nice to be able to have clarity at times. I don’t have it that often but when I do it’s mind boggling to me. Today has had those moments. It started off trying to respond to an email from my friend in the UK. Which in my mind is going no where, but still I want to believe in some messed up way that there is someway that we may connect again. I was trying to send pictures that I had edited. They were blurry and I had messed around with my IPhone’s camera until they had become more clear. I sent them 3 times before he actually got them. I really don’t know why I feel so strongly towards this man. Maybe it is the distance. Who knows if he really even cares. You can write anything in an email. This is my clarity…

I feel so close to my daughter now. We spent almost 3 hours on the phone today. She was having the air conditioning unit replaced in her condo and I got the play by play. I loved every minute. Listening to her voice change from high to low. Laughing and carrying on like a small child. Made me miss her even more. She is my world, my love, my heart, my future, and my everything. These are things you feel as a parent, as a mother forever more. I used to sing “You Are My Sunshine”. My daughter WANTED me to sing it EVERY single night at bedtime. I sang it to her before she was born. This is my clarity…

Since William died I’ve not wanted to see clarity. I’ve wanted to blame others for things that no one had control over and for that I am deeply sorry. Being locked up, then my speeding ticket has done me in with my bout with the law. For the rest of my time on this earth. I’ve been blamed for a lot of things since William died and I know the truth. I know that I did not cause his death, nor could I have stopped his death. I’ve figured out these people need to blame me either out of guilt themselves or it’s just easier to accept. Either way it’s not my problem. William would want me to live again. Not be miserable, like I have been for over a year. This is my clarity…

In my mind, I can create havoc. I can find the negative in anything. I think it’s a defense mechanism. I’ve been reading a book called “Spirit”. I’m sure some will say, Oh she’s lost it for sure. I’m a believer, a true believer and I’m not asking you to believe in anything. But the book is teaching me to quiet my mind, to be thankful and to love myself. This is no quick fix and as I like to say, I’m a work in progress. This is my clarity…

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Categories Bipolar, Depression, PTSD, SuicideTags , , , ,

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