I woke up this morning and I felt like crap. I never mean to, but it always seems that when it gets close to my “numbers”I feel really depressed and I just can’t snap out of it and to top it off, it’s raining and cold. I’m alone. No way to leave, except to walk. I’m so sick of myself I could scream. Who would want to be around someone that’s so depressing all the time?
I know I say this over and over and I wish I could stop but when will it get better? One minute I think I’m making progress and the next I think I went backwards. Maybe I was just on such a high last week my body is in withdrawal. I just want to go to sleep. I’m tired and really have no interest in anything.
I closed one of William’s email accounts today. It took every bit of energy I had to do it. I even had it on my phone. I’ve been trying for a couple of weeks to close his Facebook page, but I just can’t bring myself to do it. I look at his face and I smile and remember where we were and I just can’t do it. It was our first house together. We redid the hardwood floors. We put so much love into that house. It’s never going to be right anymore. I’m not the same person as I was a year ago. I’ll never be that person again.
I don’t know what I’ve become or if I’ll ever be worth loving again. I’m damaged goods. After this weekend I don’t know that I can really handle a relationship of any sorts. I’m a pretty good wingman though. I just can’t open my mouth and tell anyone about my past or that my husband died by suicide. I’ve seen the way people look at me. How people that know me have told me to shut up when someone ask me how my husband died.
I don’t lie very well. Never have and I never will. If you don’t want to know the truth don’t ask me. Some call me a bitch because of this. Whatever, at least you know where you stand. I don’t say it to be ugly. I guess sometimes it comes out that way.
I am thankful for what I have, for my daughter, my family and I guess my life. I’m not thankful for all the pain and emptiness. I guess I’m supposed to learn something from it. I’ve just had a really bad day…