Roller coaster…

That’s the way I feel my life has been since William’s suicide. I went off my meds. I drank heavily. Hell, I don’t even remember a lot of it. I do remember flying out on his birthday, January 15th, to Laguna Beach, CA. When I got there I was drunk. I even had the taxi driver stop at a bar before I got to the place I was staying.

I spent a month there and a lot of money. I found this Chakra Shack with readers, healers, mediums and psychics, very spiritual to me. I wanted to know WHY he left me. What did I do? I was in bad shape, as many of you know the pain yourself. Plus with the bipolar and everything else and no meds you’re asking for trouble. I’m still not right, but better than I was.

After this weekend the thoughts are running through my head and I feel like such a fool. I feel like I’ve cheated on my husband, even though I know he’d want me to be happy. I was happy, even if it was for a few days. I should be thankful for that. I just don’t like games. Never have. I think I was played. Should it matter?

I love William so much. When I look at our pictures it brings back a flood of good memories. Sometimes I can look at them and just laugh and smile and then sometimes it’s all I can do to get to the kleenex. I don’t want to take them down. I couldn’t. I can’t even delete his Facebook page and it’s been over a year. I tried. I just couldn’t do it.

He was my whole world. I guess you might say I was co-dependent. I really don’t care what anybody thinks. He was my life. That morning ended not only his life, but it ended mine as well. I remember every single detail. Every line on his face. The hole the bullet left, the blood, so much blood. The look on his face. His beautiful face.

I’m talking in circles again. My mind is just not right today. Maybe I just need to rest. My daughter gave me a wonderful complement today. She told me that in her psych class, she had learned that I was Authoritative in my parenting. I really wasn’t sure this was a complement. It meant I was firm, but always gave reasons why and I always listened to her, even today. Now that made me smile.

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