Right now is one of those times that I really miss William. I’m up at 2:46 am, drinking coffee. I would be smoking a cigarette, but I’m vaping instead. First of all, I would have only smoked the cigarette and he would have been saying, “Cica, come back to bed, it’s way too early!”. Or he would have been up smoking with me and kissing me back to bed.
Of course, he would have made sure nothing was wrong. God I miss him. My best friend, the one person I could tell my inner most thoughts to and not be judged. I’m not saying he never got mad, he did, but it wasn’t necessarily at me. It was that he knew, from personal experience, how things could be one way and look another, if you put yourself in certain situations.
I’m talking about things in my past, not things during our relationship or marriage. We chose to be completely honest about our past so that we would have no surprises. There is one person, that to this day, makes my life miserable. She tried everything she could do to break William and I apart while he was alive and when she couldn’t, she saw to it that she broke all ties with me and the family. She succeeded in that. I know I didn’t do anything wrong. I can’t say I sleep well at night. But, it has nothing to do with that.
August made one year since William died. October 27th will be our wedding anniversary, then Christmas, then New Years and January 15th his 51st birthday. It’s never going to end.
All of this shit over a friggin cup of coffee and a cigarette. I know I talk in circles, I always have and I apologize. I’m not sure why I do. It makes sense to me. But not to a lot of people. It just seems to come out randomly.
I guess I’ll go get another cup of coffee. See what’s on TV. I should read one of the two books that I bought in January that I haven’t been able to read. Can’t seem to read, eat okra or bacon since William died. There I go again. Goodnight…