Really Hard Decisions…

I went on William’s Facebook today. I do that occasionally. It makes me feel close to him I guess. I even “poke” myself sometimes. Today I sent a message to his son. He lives overseas and doesn’t even know me that well, but with all that’s been said and done… this is what I wrote:

I just want you to know I no longer have any ill feelings towards anyone about what’s happened. It was a tragedy and they needed someone to blame and it was me and I’m good with that. None of the bitterness and anger will bring your father back and I’m sure he would not want us to fight. But I certainly understand where you’re coming from and I wish you all the happiness in the world. I’ve left his FB page up because deleting it made everything too real. This past year has been extremely bad. I see the events of that morning in my mind every day. I don’t know what you believe, but I want you to know from me that your father, my husband, will always be the love of my life, forever and always. I really do wish we had gotten to know each other, without the drama. Maybe we could have been friends, maybe not. Take care.

I wanted to say something to him one last time. It’s not like he’ll be my “friend”. He doesn’t know who to believe and of course he would believe someone he’s known longer than me. Even when they’re proven wrong. It’s all wrong, terrible, sickening, disgusting,  and I can think of a lot of words to describe this horrible tragedy. But it’s not going to change a damn thing. Nothing is going to bring my husband back.

I was going to write something on William’s wall and then delete it in a couple days, but I couldn’t. I didn’t know what to say. Why should I care? No one has been there for me. It seems the only one it’s really bothering is me. My daughter says to just delete it. Don’t worry about it. I do worry about it. That’s who I am. I do care. Too much I think. I have to be careful, very careful.

I still have more really hard decisions…

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Categories Bipolar, Depression, PTSD, SuicideTags , , , ,

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