Yesterday was a William day. I cried and cried, then I talked, then I cried some more. It started with trying to find a copy of where he’d pawned his Rolex. Not only did I find that I found our marriage certificate and the incident report from the morning of his suicide. This brought up so many feelings. I feel as though I’m going backwards instead of forwards. I’m having a real hard time coping and I don’t know what to do. I can’t go back to a mental institution. They don’t really help anyway. I don’t think my meds are right but my Dr won’t give me what I know works. I’m spiraling. I’m shaking all the time. I cry at just a thought. I’m so tired all the time. I barely sleep even with meds. I don’t even know why I’m talking to you. It’s supposed to be therapy. I want to run. Run far away. Never look back. But I can’t. The only reason I don’t is my daughter. If it wasn’t for her I would have followed right behind William. I wish someone could truly help me. But for now at least I’m talking…
Talking
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Published by Cica
I'm a widow. I found my twin light, my husband, William, at 7:58am, on August 26, 2013. I reached above him to turn the overhead light on and when I looked down, I was standing in his blood. I started CPR, but he was gun shot to the head, so he was already dead. We were newlyweds. I suffer from bipolar I, PTSD, IED, among other things. Shortly afterwards, I was brutally raped, left for dead. My daughter is estranged from me and my family has given up on me.. I struggle everyday trying to be normal, not to disappoint someone. To be a person my daughter will call mom again and be proud. This is my life... View all posts by Cica
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I’m so, so sorry for your loss . . .
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You’re very kind.
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these are heartbreaking. go to a different doctor, they are not al l created equally
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Do you mean therapist or psychiatrist or both? Thank you for listening.
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Both you said they won’t give you meds that work that makes no sense I would go somewhere else
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True. It’s crazy. I won’t take anything that puts weight on me. I’ll just be crazy! I gained 50 lbs when William died. My family Dr said my body was protecting its self. I wasn’t eating. I’ve lost 25. I just don’t feel right. Does that make sense? I’m sorry
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Yes it makes perfect sense. lots of these message people gain weight. It’s a major problem
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Are you in the medical field or one of us, if you don’t mind me asking?
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Both.
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Nice to meet you “both”
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Been patient in psychiatry ward 2 times, committed as mentally ill. Jail 3 times. Drug rehab 3 times. Then got thru school been a supervisor at same state facility I was committed to, supervised a jail, a drug rehab. I’ve had many years of field research as I call it
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Lots of research lol. I’ve been in psych ward 2-committed 2-treatment facilities was in jail recently for public disorderly, I beat up my girlfriend with an umbrella for talking about my husband. 9 hours in jail. Lowest point in my life. Got my first speeding ticket Monday. Oh I’ve been arrested 2x for tresspassing when I wasn’t tresspassing. Long story. I don’t know what normal is or of I ever have been. I moved here the end of June. New insurance. No car. My life sucks. God just talking about it makes crazy.
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You are chosen. But it probably doesn’t feel like that right now. But o the other side of this you’ll see
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I’ll check into finding another Dr. Thanks for talking to me.
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Yes I think of the million I know, they all have different ideas and philosophy and egos. If u have a chance read the article I wrote about psychiatrists and their prescribing its a true story..be careful who you trust
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Ok good to know. I’ll look it up. Thank you so much!!
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