Talking

Yesterday was a William day. I cried and cried, then I talked, then I cried some more. It started with trying to find a copy of where he’d pawned his Rolex. Not only did I find that I found our marriage certificate and the incident report from the morning of his suicide. This brought up so many feelings. I feel as though I’m going backwards instead of forwards. I’m having a real hard time coping and I don’t know what to do. I can’t go back to a mental institution. They don’t really help anyway. I don’t think my meds are right but my Dr won’t give me what I know works. I’m spiraling. I’m shaking all the time. I cry at just a thought. I’m so tired all the time. I barely sleep even with meds. I don’t even know why I’m talking to you. It’s supposed to be therapy. I want to run. Run far away. Never look back. But I can’t. The only reason I don’t is my daughter. If it wasn’t for her I would have followed right behind William. I wish someone could truly help me. But for now at least I’m talking…

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Categories Bipolar, Depression, SuicideTags , , ,

16 thoughts on “Talking

  1. I’m so, so sorry for your loss . . .

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  2. these are heartbreaking. go to a different doctor, they are not al l created equally

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    1. Do you mean therapist or psychiatrist or both? Thank you for listening.

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      1. Both you said they won’t give you meds that work that makes no sense I would go somewhere else

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      2. True. It’s crazy. I won’t take anything that puts weight on me. I’ll just be crazy! I gained 50 lbs when William died. My family Dr said my body was protecting its self. I wasn’t eating. I’ve lost 25. I just don’t feel right. Does that make sense? I’m sorry

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      3. Yes it makes perfect sense. lots of these message people gain weight. It’s a major problem

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      4. Are you in the medical field or one of us, if you don’t mind me asking?

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      5. Nice to meet you “both”

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      6. Been patient in psychiatry ward 2 times, committed as mentally ill. Jail 3 times. Drug rehab 3 times. Then got thru school been a supervisor at same state facility I was committed to, supervised a jail, a drug rehab. I’ve had many years of field research as I call it

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      7. Lots of research lol. I’ve been in psych ward 2-committed 2-treatment facilities was in jail recently for public disorderly, I beat up my girlfriend with an umbrella for talking about my husband. 9 hours in jail. Lowest point in my life. Got my first speeding ticket Monday. Oh I’ve been arrested 2x for tresspassing when I wasn’t tresspassing. Long story. I don’t know what normal is or of I ever have been. I moved here the end of June. New insurance. No car. My life sucks. God just talking about it makes crazy.

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      8. You are chosen. But it probably doesn’t feel like that right now. But o the other side of this you’ll see

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      9. I’ll check into finding another Dr. Thanks for talking to me.

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      10. Yes I think of the million I know, they all have different ideas and philosophy and egos. If u have a chance read the article I wrote about psychiatrists and their prescribing its a true story..be careful who you trust

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      11. Ok good to know. I’ll look it up. Thank you so much!!

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