This past Tuesday was a day I had been dreading this whole year. It made a year my sweet husband William shot himself and left me alone to pick up the pieces. I’ve struggled along the way. Really struggled and as I woke up I just wanted to make it past 7:58 am. That was when he did it. Seconds later I found him in our bed.
There is not a day, a moment that goes by that I don’t think about that. To see that and try to do everything in your power to save the other half of you. And you can’t. He was already gone. He was gone as soon as the bullet left the gun. But I couldn’t let him go. I still don’t want to let him go.
My daughter, my sweet daughter text me that day this is what she said. Now remember she has hardly spoken to me since all this has happened.
I hope today is an okay day for you, it’s pretty hard for me, believe it or not. But don’t take it the wrong way if I don’t wanna talk today, I just am having a pretty rough day already. I’m in class right now, but I just wanted to make sure you were doing okay. Love you
That text is why I choose to live.
I did something probably a lot of people do, but it helped some, so I’m sharing it with you.
To my Baba,
It will be one year since you died, as I put this letter in the bottle that holds it. I honestly never thought I would survive, but I did. It has not been easy though. I have been in two hospitals and one treatment facility. I’ve been arrested twice. I’m at my lowest point and it’s all because you left me. This never should have happened. I do know why and I have to accept it. I have to let go of all the anger and hurt and remember only the good. I can’t let all the negativity that caused you to leave get the best of me too. I know you wouldn’t want that and I don’t either. I’m tired sweetie, so tired. I don’t have anyway but up now. I’m not moving on, I’m getting beyond. As far as I’m concerned you’ll always be my husband. The man that made me smile. The man that made me quiver when he looked at me. I’ll never forget that morning. Making love to you, my Baba, my life. I tried to save you. I didn’t realize your pain. I only wish we would have had more time in this lifetime. I will be with you again. We were meant to be. Please, please know that I love you so very much that it hurts baby. I’m not saying goodbye. I’m just honoring you today and I’m honoring myself too. I’m yours, the same as on our wedding night and I always will be.
So, I threw the bottle into the ocean and watched it float out to sea. I spent the rest of the day on the beach. Something we loved to do. It was wonderful. I felt so loved and at peace that day. The day had come and I made it. A whole year has passed and I’m still here. I’m still trying to figure it all out.
But, the day had come…