I am out of control. William’s suicide along with being bipolar and having PTSD has finally caused me to lose my mind. I’ve kept all this anger inside and it has built up until last night it exploded into a million pieces. This negative energy that I’ve been carrying around for the past year finally had nowhere to go and it landed me in jail!
The handcuffs, pictures and fingerprints. Never, in my life and NEVER again will I set foot through those doors. I have learned my lesson in life. I, at 50 years of age, grew up last night. I’ve learned my lesson. How did I let this happen? I feel like the worst person in the world. I am ashamed of myself.
Two days will mark one year of William’s death and I’m no longer the same person I was then. I don’t look the same. I don’t feel the same. Everything has changed. Terrible things have happened. But I’m still here. I’m not sure why yet, but I know the type of person I don’t want to be. I don’t want to be who I was last year. I have to open up my heart a little again. If I don’t I’ll die. Apparently, it’s not my time to die. After this past year is very surprising.
My sister told me that I could only go up now. So that’s what I’m going to do. This week is going to be a huge test. William’s anniversary, court via Skype (estate), it’s going to be extremely stressful. I had forgotten how strong willed I was and I can do this. I can put the bad memories away and concentrate on the good. William would not like what I have become. I don’t like what I’ve become, but I’m the only one who can do a damn thing about it…