I think this is the first time I’ve really said it. I toss and turn every night. Nightmares, burning up, I can’t get comfortable. Maybe it’s just old age, maybe it’s not. I don’t know what to do. Who do I turn to? My best friend is gone. The one person who knew everything. I can’t even get to the frigging doctor without asking someone to take me. Can’t even get a loan because my credit is so bad. I’m FUCKED. I hate living like this.
I’m so scared that if I do make some kind of accomplishment that means I’m forgetting William. Everything I see and do is because of him. He opened my eyes to so many wonderful things. Things that I took for granted. I’m scared my life is going to be empty. I’ll have nothing to offer that will mean anything to anyone. Not even me.
I’m scared I’ll still be living with a roommate and not on my own. Relying on someone for transportation and taking me to the grocery store. At least if I could get closer to the beach I could take a taxi and I wouldn’t feel so worthless and ashamed. I’m so scared I don’t even know what I should do. Concentrate on getting a car? Concentrate on moving? Concentrate on my daughter? Concentrate on me?