Today is the 24th. A day I will never forget. It’s the start of my week of numbers, but it’s the best. It’s the day we met. My soulmate, my twin flame. I could never imagine a love story such as ours. It’s funny now looking back. How could this love affair have waited so long? Did we align in the universe at this exact time?
William was a perfect gentleman that evening. He touched my shoulder and I turned around to find that beautiful smile and gentle touch. His eyes met mine and I was forever his. We went riding around after he got there and I asked if he was in a relationship. He said it was complicated, but that it was strictly roommates. He even let me hear voicemails that she had left, calling him roomie. So my heart fell fast. I took him to his truck in the parking lot. He asked me what I was thinking. I was a little embarrassed to say, but I did. I told him I wanted to take his clothes off. I know it’s crazy, but I could’t let him go. We made love behind some condos. I’ll never regret what I did. It was our time to be happy. Remembering that night, full of passion, wondering if I’d ever see him again. Began our life together. We were never apart from that moment until he died.
Today I don’t know how I feel. What to do or where to go. I’m so confused and lost. I wish I weren’t even here. How could he leave me behind? We were meant to be together. I know we were. He made everyday special. He comforted me. He held me. He made sure I took me meds. He loved me. It hurts so bad. I want to die. I don’t know how I’m going to make it through this anymore.
Everything I touch breaks. I’ve lost so many of our possessions. I know it’s material, but that doesn’t make it any easier. He was all about history and I lost it. Will he forgive me? Can I forgive myself? I don’t know that I can. I don’t know that I want to.
My therapist thinks I need a place where I can have some serenity. A place I can call my own. I want it to be within walking distance of the beach. I’m not going to waver on that. I don’t have car, she’s said take a cab. I’ve been looking, nothing yet. She gave me articles on grief today. Somethings I knew others I didn’t. I don’t know that it made me feel any better. How are you supposed to live without the other half of yourself? Am I just rambling on? Does how I feel make any difference?
Everyone just has another day. My days are empty. I feel guilty just for laughing. Will I ever be the same? No, I’ll never be the same. I don’t ever want to love another person as much as I loved William. I don’t want anyone to ever get that close. I’ll live the rest of my life, as long as I’m to be here, waiting to see my baby again.
That’s our love story…