Today it’s raining outside. I’m also raining with tears. As this week progresses it brings back happy days with William. The 24th of every month we celebrated the day we met. The 27th of every month is the day we got married. We were so giddy around this time of the month. Planning what we were going to do. Take a trip? Go to the restaurant where we met? It didn’t really matter because we were together. But this week is not so happy anymore. The 26th is the day he shot himself. What started out as a beautiful morning turned into the beginning of my nightmare.
I relive that morning more times than I care to count. I looked at our wedding photos today. I know I probably shouldn’t but I can’t help it. I never wanted that day to end. If it hadn’t maybe he’d still be here. I feel responsible for his death. I missed signs that should have warned me. Like the text he sent me from bed. He never did that. He should have been shaving.
I want so bad to be with him now. I’m a bad wife. I should go. I don’t know how to live anymore. I put on a great face. I can tell anyone what they want to hear. I’ve gotten really good at that. In reality no one wants to know the truth about how I feel. They don’t know what to say to me when I try. They say stupid things like, just be strong, you’ll meet someone someday, just move on and the best, time heals all wounds. I know they think they’re helping, but they’re not. Why can’t they just ask me? Why can’t they just listen and let me cry?
Some think I should be mad. They’re mad, so I should be mad. Doesn’t work that way. No one knows how I feel. They didn’t see what I saw. They didn’t try to give CPR to the man they loved. I did. I’ll never get over having to let the police in and not being able to go back to him. I remember them taking him out the house. He was right in front of me. They said he died in the ambulance. He was dead when I tried to save him, but I didn’t know that. Or maybe I just didn’t want to.
I hate this week now. The days aren’t happy anymore. The happiest I’ve been in a long time has been talking to my daughter the past two days. I was on the phone with her today for a hour and a half. She’s was on her way back to college. I’m still amazed that she’s called me two days in a row, after nearly two months of ignoring me. Maybe William and God knew I needed her now. Even though I can’t talk about how I feel with her. It gives me some purpose now.
I’ve been in my bed all day crying, listening to it rain. Watching TV shows we used to watch. Praying for something miraculous to happen. Like maybe William coming to see me. You probably think I’m crazy, that’s ok because I’m certifiable, just ask the hospital and the doctors. I don’t care what anyone thinks anymore. If I act the way everyone thinks I should will that make me sane?
This is mainly the reason I write this blog, to help my sanity. I’ve kept my feelings in check for almost a year. I feel like nothing inside. I’m empty, no hope, no happiness, no life anymore. It’s like starting all over again. How do you do that? I think of William all the time. When I laugh I feel guilty for laughing. When I cry I know he doesn’t want me to cry. But how I’m supposed to move forward? When will I not cry when I look at our pictures? I’ll never FORGET!
So I’m trying to be patient with myself. I know it’s a process and I’m still at the beginning. So, I will just let it rain…