The sun still shines…

I use to cook. Now I’m sitting here eating a beef pot pie and having a glass of cabernet. Big change for me. I would do menu’s for 6 or so days, that way William and my daughter could just pick what they wanted when. It worked really well. I had a day for left overs and a day I was off. Things have changed. I miss frying up okra and William calling it popcorn. He liked to eat it when we watched movies. I don’t even buy bacon anymore. I can’t even look at it. That’s what I was cooking that horrible morning. I wonder if I will ever be able to eat it again? 

I woke up this morning and I was still here. The sun was shining. It should be a good day. I want so bad to be better. I wish my meds were stronger. It’s not good to wonder why you’re still here. Why didn’t I not wake up? I hate the way I feel. I hate certain people. We’ll just call her THE BITCH. Even my dad knows who that is. She can be so happy and I’m barely making it throughout the day.  I hate her! I hate what she’s done. I hate feeling this way. 

I’ve been thinking about taking a trip, I don’t know where, somewhere far away. But then people would say I’m just running away from my problems. Yes, I care about what people think. I don’t know why because they sure don’t care what I think. It’s in my nature. I’m truly a nice person. I would do anything in my power for my friends. I get used a lot, but in the end I know I’ve done the right thing. They will have to answer for what they’ve done.

So there you go. Why do I hate this person? Well, I know why, It’s eating me up inside. Why don’t I stop letting her control my life? I know I should and I want to be rid of her. She’s not losing any sleep over me and I’m not losing sleep over her either, I just don’t sleep.

But the sun still shines and the moon is still bright. I watch them and hope I’ll see him. Maybe his shadow will pass me by. I hope I’m that lucky.  We talked about being together forever. My heart is empty now. I have little will to live. I continue my therapy. I continue my blogging. I continue my life…

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