Depression…

I’ve been dealing with William’s estate for almost a year now. I’m bipolar and at the least, it’s been hard. I suffer with depression, same as William. I hate myself and the position I’ve been left in. I’ve lost everything. My best friend, my lover and my husband. My daughter doesn’t want anything to do with me. I really don’t know why. I had to move from our house. They took my car. My finances are in a shambles. Hey, but I’m supposed to be thankful for what I do have and I am. It’s just not what I thought my life would be.

Do you know how many times I’ve thought about ending it all? It ended me up in the hospital, escorted by three police officers. I just want to stop all the awful things I think of everyday. People say I’m feeling sorry for myself, well I am. No one understands. No one has been in my shoes, but they have all the fucking answers.

I’ve spent the last few days trying to get answers from lawyers that are handling the estate. They just don’t answer. Now I have to report it to the clerk of court. They’ve had over a month to do something. I’ve handed over everything they need to close the estate, but they’ve done nothing. Do I have to do their job for them? I already did most of it. I know more about the law than any widow should have to know.

I just want this all to be over. Is that asking too much? I have a friend that’s a paralegal, she’s going to start handling the lawyers for me. It’s just too much for me to do anymore. I get so depressed. I relive that morning in my head every time I have to do something. Just calling the clerk’s office is almost terrifying. I have fought for so long. I’m tired.

I don’t sleep without meds. All I do is think. I think about when I can afford a car. I think about how I’m going to pay my bills, even groceries. I’m barely keeping myself above water. I did get a letter today from social security. I start receiving benefits from William in August. That’s good news, but until then I think I have $50. It sucks!

I’m just lonely, tired, frustrated, angry, miserable, want it all to end! Why did he leave me? Why do I cry all the time? Why can’t I have my life back? I love William so much and I just want us to be together. I feel like my life has ended, so why should I stay? What is my purpose? I ask this everyday. 

This and my email group are the only times I can talk this way. I think I would have ended it a long time ago if it hadn’t been for my group. They’ve all lost spouses to suicide too. Its private and we’re allowed to say whatever is on our minds, good or bad. Thank God for that. I’ve actually made a good friend. It bothers me a little because we never would have met if our husbands hadn’t shot themselves. Was this supposed to happen? Is this the way things were meant to be?

 

 

 

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