I’ve left a lot of details out, mainly because I don’t remember. I’ve been in and out of the hospital. I’m bipolar and I was forgetting to take my meds. William always made sure I was doing what I was supposed to do. I have a strained relationship with my daughter. I don’t even know what I’ve done or if I’ve done anything.
I celebrated my 50th birthday without the big party we were going to have. My friends sent me Happy Birthdays. My mom and dad called and sang. My roommate bought me flowers and took me out and we watched the fireworks (my birthday is July 4th). It just wasn’t the same. He should have been here and none of this would be happening.
I miss him so much it hurts. I feel like I’m having a heart attack. I feel sick everyday. But my heart is good. It’s just broken. I don’t know if I will ever be the same. I will never love like that again. I don’t want too. People say that may change, but they also say it may not. Our time together may have been short, but it was real. We loved each other unconditionally. We knew everything about each other, good and bad.
I’m learning to meditate. It’s a stress reliever. I can hear the voices and the sound, but I can’t visualize the pictures. I’m told I have a gift, but only if I can let these things go will I be able to see. I want to so bad. I want to see and talk to my husband. I want to feel him like I did when it first happened. I want him to come home. But I know that’s not possible. But I have to let all this negative energy go or I’ll never get better.
Something really weird happened today. I was checking William’s emails when I saw one that said setup your online banking. I stopped immediately. What the hell was going on? I called the bank and found out an account had been opened in his name, with his social security and they used his email address. I went to the bank and gave them his death certificate. I called and left a message for the lawyer. I’m just really confused. Who would do such a thing and why?
I’m seeing a therapist this week. I’ve met with her once. She’s very holistic, which is something I like. I hope it works. It’s called Trauma CBT. She seems very genuine, so we’ll see.
I lay in my bed and I’m surrounded by pictures. Pictures of my daughter, pictures of William and pictures of us all together. I really I’m having a hard time coping. I cry more than I laugh. I feel so alone. Like my world has stopped, but my thoughts race on…