As my life continues…

William died August 26, 2013. I buried him on the 30th. I still have a hard time with this. But as the days went by things began to happen. We were doing a lease option to buy and had spent about $6,000 in renovations. The owner had me arrested for trespassing and there I went handcuffed in the back of a police car to jail. I cried and had panic attacks the whole way there. The Sheriff was not very nice and ignored me the whole way. The radio was on and it played a song that we used to dance to, that made it worse. When we got there I went through all the doors, down the stairs to the Magistrate’s office. As I waited, I couldn’t believe this was happening to me. It seemed for an eternity, but the Magistrate finally came out to talk to me. Things had gotten confused and I was free to go. WTF. Free to go. All a big mistake.

My lawyer had made a deal with the owner to allow me to stay in the house for a while, rent free. We had made that little house our home and I was having to leave. From August until October I don’t think a day went by I didn’t drink. I went to all our favorite restaurants and told everyone goodbye. I couldn’t face each day by myself, so I thought. But the drinks kept me numb.

There had been an old will made, before he and I. He had crossed his copy out and had a witness that it was to be voided. But they probated anyway. The executrix, the EX was appointed against my wishes and my life became hell everyday from that moment on. She came and got our car. It was in his name only. He had changed the life insurance to my name and his father fought me. He told the court he was mentally incompetent. I ended up just giving him half to be done with the fighting. Then I was accused of MURDER.

Did you know you only have to be accused? I had to prove I did not kill my husband. I had never been suspected and the detective told me it was BS, but I still had to get a report stating that fact. I have never been in such a dark place as this put me. This had been the man I loved.

I’m not allowed to speak to his mother. Not allowed to be angry. Not allowed to grieve. I supposed to get over it and put on this front for everyone. I have been to psychics, mediums, healers and readers. Just trying to sort through everything. My lawyer tried to bill me a god awful amount, when he told me and my father it would be $1000. I won’t pay a dime. I know the law better than anyone now. Something I wish I didn’t know.

The EX drug out everything. I had left everything in order. She never turned in an inventory. Then she decides she doesn’t want to do it anymore. William had plenty to settle everything and I had been telling them from the start. Needless to say her lawyer was blindsided at the hearing for her dismissal. She kept referring to William’s brother as her brother in law and his kids her step kids. She was the first wife, the second had the kids, I was the third. I was just dumbfounded.

I have moved four times since his death. I’ve been to California and back. I guess I’m looking for my home, I really don’t know. This last time I had things outside. I had to leave to run an errand. By the time I got back it was pouring down rain. I lost almost everything. Pieces of our life. Ruined. I took it all to the dump and I was mad. I was mad at William for leaving me and for having to move. I cried until the tears wouldn’t come anymore. I was heartbroken all over again.

As I sat at the dump an old man pulled up. I had the pieces of cedar from my closet. I didn’t know whether to throw them away or keep them. Anyway, he started talking to me and I asked him if he’d like to have them. He was like a kid in a candy store. He told me everything in his house was cedar and he was redoing a closet. I think I made the right choice or maybe William was there with me. But I gave them to the man and I watched as he drove away…

 

 

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Categories Suicide

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