Planning the funeral…

I called William’s brother and he came over. The rest is all a blur really. I remember my girlfriends coming to my rescue. My poor daughter had just gotten settled in at college. I had to call someone to clean everything up after the police left. I went into the room like it was a dream or something. Like nothing had happened. I don’t know why I did that. The man came late that night and didn’t leave until after 1am.  My friends held me close and I closed my eyes, as the bed and things went out the door. Afterwards, I went back into the room. It was then that I realized that William was really gone.

I had to get his funeral planned. Thank God for my daddy. He guided me through the process. He helped me so much. My daughter helped with a photo that she had on her phone. She went with me to pick out a dress. I gave the funeral director William’s shirt, jeans, blazer and of course his ostrich boots. He loved his boots. He had at least 10 pairs.

Then the decision of how everything would go. Open casket, no open casket. I decided open for only the family, if they wanted to. I knew I had to say goodbye and I couldn’t if I didn’t see him ever again. His family came, but they were not there for me. No one came to our house. No one brought food. I couldn’t even get his niece who had lived with us to come over. I had been deserted. I put pictures and a flower with William. It made me feel like maybe he wouldn’t be alone.

At the funeral I was trying to make everyone else feel better. What kind of crazy thing is that? I even tried to make amends with one of William’s ex’s. That lasted about 5 minutes. Everything changed. I don’t even remember the service or what the minister said. William’s children came. His son flew in from overseas and his daughter came with their mother. I gave his son his watch, which he later told me was too flashy and he had left it behind. I gave his niece a necklace she helped pick out for Christmas. I didn’t really have anything to give his daughter. She later asked for things he had gotten rid of.

One of my girlfriends got some different flowers from the gravesite. I made her a copy of the text and gave her a picture of the three of us at Christmas. She made a tinderbox for me to hang on the wall. I really don’t remember much at all. I wish I did.

Daddy and mama took me out for lunch. I guess the rest of the family went to his parents. I wasn’t told about it until later. I’m sure someone took me home, but I don’t know who. My girlfriends were so worried they wouldn’t let me stay by myself. I don’t know for how long. Things really started to get weird after that day…

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Categories Suicide

2 thoughts on “Planning the funeral…

  1. I am so sorry for your loss. Your description reminded me of my feelings of my friends funeral in March she too took her life.

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    1. I’ve barely scratched the surface. I’m bipolar and my husband was ADHD. Found out after he died he also had been diagnosed with being bipolar. I’ve talked to psychics, mediums, healers to find out why he did what he did. This last time he told me if he had lived his body would have been unrecognizable and told me to leave it alone. It’s so hard. I wonder why he didn’t take me with him. We had such a short time together. There’s not a minute of the day I don’t miss him or wish he was here to comfort me. I too have gained weight. The doctors say it’s from the PTSD, So much stress. I don’t sleep.
      Thank you for reading my blog. I hope you’ll give your insight, as I have read yours too and we have a lot in common.

      Like

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